Dear Gilbert,

Thanks for all the articles you forwarded to us.

I am also separated since my son is 14 months old.  I married a kiwi hence my son is a kiwi and because of that, my case is so much more complicated.  For a start, my ex-husband who walked out saying “I have enough” will not even allow my son and I to go back home to get family support on the basis that he wants to see his son once a week.  Because of that, I am alone in NZ with my son with no family which can be extremely tough during winter when we are likely to succumb to illness. I was down with pneumonia last winter but because I still wanted to care for my son, I refused to be hospitalised and thankfully recovered in due course.  

My situation is slightly different cause I was already in NZ prior to meeting my husband.  I had gained residency and even purchased my own little house.  As such, it is debatable that I had always wanted to be in NZ and is being malicious towards my ex husband by wanting to go home.  But the truth is, life has changed for me.  When I went to NZ, I went there for work, as a career woman.  Now I am a mother and realised that being a mother, i missed my family and their support and doing it alone is so tough.  

1) He wanted to get married in Fiji but his mum said that it’ll break her heart so we didn’t

2) After we have chosen our home curtains, she says she didnt like it, he cancelled our order and re-choose to something she liked

3) When I bake a cake and modify the recipe, his mum said that it will taste terrible (without giving it a try) and he agrees and wont eat it.

I tolerated his so called ‘filialness’ but when it came to our son, I stood up for it.  I mean she fed him water  at 1 months old even though we were told NOT to and I was also solely breastfeeding but she insisted that she did that with her kids 40 yrs ago so she is right.  In the end, whenever his mother and I gets into a disagreement, he walks off from me for a few days.  This time, he just walked off for good and went back to stay with his mum.  Now his mum is asking him to get his house back, and me back into my own house.  

So what I am saying is, he is such a robot that if I go to court with him, he will win because he is trained to say and do the right thing in public. 

As for whether he cheated on me, I couldnt get any evidence.  All I could find was a receipt where he purchased a skirt but it wasnt for me.  I did ask him and he said it’s for his mum.  Another sign that he might have cheated was when I try to patch things up and invite him to the mall or meals outside, he always says no.  

My friends did suggest saying that he emotionally and psychologically abused me but I am too chicken to try that step.  

 Sometimes i just wonder is it because of the colour of my skin that his mum treated me this way.      

 It needs a lot of strength to ‘make’ the party that walked out ‘right’.  In my case, no matter how many times I asked him to just give this relationship a try for our son, he refuses and of course the root of our problem besides cultural difference is the typical mother in law problem.  I will not dwell into my problems.  

Regarding the psychology of a divorced child, I seek help when he walked out and was told that it really doesnt matter whether a toddler (note:toddler) grows up with one parent or two parent as long as there is one parent  that is constantly there and the primary giver.  Yes, my son will seek for a man companionship when he is older but for now, I was told that if I can be there for him until he is 3, he will have a good solid foundation.  As such, I quit my job and become his full time carer.  The doc/psychologist had a point – a child could have 2 parents but if both parents are constantly working, it makes no difference with a child that only have 1 parent but the parent is always around.  How true is this, I do not know but I just have to trust that my sacrifice now will reap rewards and my son grows up to be a good man.  

Keep up your good work.  If only I am in Sg, I could contribute more but I am basically ‘stuck’ in ‘jail’ in NZ since there is nothing more important to me than my son so I will not leave NZ and risk losing my son.  Maybe my case should be an example to sarong party girls (please edit if you want to repost as I do not want to offend anyone).  Do not think that marrying a foreigner is great achievement.  And if there is a child involved, you might find yourself stuck in a corner if you love your child.  

Regards,

Pauline

P/S:  Oh, regarding the custody to mothers, I think it is because majority of mothers are more inclined to care and give it up for the child.  I was once an engineer but since becoming a mother, life took a turn for me.  Those money, ambition is replaced with this little bundle of joy. When I passed by any projects that I have contributed to, I do not feel pride or happiness although then these projects are supposed to be my ‘baby’ but whenever I see my son (my real baby!), I feel happiness and pride and no longer have that void that I had  as a career woman.

What is the right mix in a marriage?

 Written by: Gilbert Goh

 In our busyness of life, we all failed to spend enough time  with our partner often with adverse consequences. A good marriage needs alot of nurturing and this requires time and effort – elements that we are very short on  in our fast-paced society. We often place greater emphasis on  things that matter to us  as an individual rather  than as a couple and this is probably one of the main reasons why so many of our  relationships fail. Many couples nowadays  simply operate as two individuals staying together under one roof! Some even opt to sleep separately from one another for many years.

 I have also heard of men going out regularly with their guy friends during weekend for golf and women shopping with their girlfriends. They hardly spent time together as a couple and the relationship naturally goes downhill afterwards.

 Moreover,  when so much of our limited time at home is spent on raising our young  children we often neglect our partners in the process. We only have a few precious hours left after work and most people, especially working mothers, will want to spent that  time with their young children. Women tend to have this hormonal-charged maternity instinct to fully focus on their children neglecting their husbands in the process.  Unless, husbands  and wives  can come to an understanding that spending time together as a couple is also important, there will be underlying issues affecting the relationship with devastating adverse effect.

 Working Wives

 As our modern women nowadays prefer to work rather than stay at home to be  full time mothers, how they apportion their time with their husbands and children after work can be crucial for the well being of the family. After a few years of mutual neglect, many families sadly break up in the end.

 Husbands also tend to spend too much time at work neglecting their spouses in the process. Many men also simply stop wooing their wives after they have tied the knot as they have finally won their prize and they moved on to other targets to conquer  - usually their work. Many wives also felt cheated that their husbands have totally changed  from the romantic loving men that they know before marriage.

  It is also important, I believe, for couples to try and marry younger so that they can have that precious few years after marriage to build up their foundation as a couple first without ever thinking of starting a family.  If you marry later in your late 20s or early 30s, my fear is that you will want to have a kid immediately after walking down the aisle thus  wasting a precious opportunity to enjoy each other company as a couple uninterrupted for that first few crucial years.

 I am not saying that having children is not ideal for the family but having them when you are still newly married and not fully ready may add more stress  to your relationship. Many of us know that having kids can be a stressful phase of the relationship and many young couples unfortunately could not cope with the new entry and quit the marriage mid way.

 My wife was pregnant after six months into our marriage and though we are blessed with a beautiful baby daughter, we wish that we could have more time together privately as a couple immediately after marriage. Due to a short courtship of about a year before we got married, we needed the extra space  after marriage to cement our relationship but regretfully we didn’t have that luxury. Don’t get me wrong – we enjoyed the new entry into our family but on introspection, I felt that we have  missed out on a  golden opportunity to have that precious time together as a couple privately.

 I hope that couples thinking of marriage will put aside at least two years of their initial marriage to spend the time alone with one another. Couples who have discipline themselves this way  have told me that they are more matured and tend to see things together as one union rather than two individuals.

 Not only do they feel more connected  but they also took time to discover their partner’s likes and dislikes. It was also a wonderful period of building on the relationship after tying the knot than plunging straight to changing diapers and washing milk bottles.

 We all know how much we need to adjust to our spouses immediately  after marriage. Many couples realise that dating and marriage can be entirely two different phases of a relationship and if not handled properly, it can be very destabilising. It is for this reason that more marriages break up during the first year of a marriage than any other period. 

 Shot-gun Marriages

 I also want to speak to those who married because of a shot-gun relationship. I have heard from a few friends whose marriages broke up recently when they have to marry because of the unplanned pregnancy. Couples who marry because of shot-gun reason need to pay extra effort on build up their relationships.

 Some men may feel obligated to marry due to a sense of responsibility and duty. If that obligation does not transform into love for their spouses, the relationship may be in for a rough ride. The same thing happens for wives who marry because they have no choice. If they don’t quickly change their mindset, their  relationship will soon hit rocky ground. Of course, there are shot-gun marriages that work well and I am sure that they have put in alot of effort here.

 Conclusion

 So,  plan to spend  the  first  two years of your marriage on your own without kids if possible.

 It is good thus to start the courting process as early as possible and not wait till you have matured in your career to start alooking around.  When you start to date earlier, you also have more time to select the right spouse rather than quickly settling for one that comes along when you are at age 30!

Pros and Cons of marrying (or dating) young

I am sick to death of the pressure to get married young. According to over-zealous family members and my already-hitched mates (who are increasing in numbers by the nanosecond), by now I’m supposed to be married, own a house and have a baby on the way. And it seems I’m not the only one.

Social psychologists Roy Baumeister and Kathleen Vohs have injected a toxic dose of moral panic into the never-married female population with their “scientific research”, which claims that if women don’t get marry young, their “market value” deteriorates rapidly. Say what!? (The findings concluded something entirely different for men, whose market value apparently seems to rise the older they get. *Eye roll.)

While another study found that young women (18-22 years old) are mature enough to handle being ensconced in holy matrimony (this according to the US government’s National Survey of Family Growth, I think that an entirely different issue needs to be addressed.

For those who marry young, does life really turn out all that good? Is their rush to waltz down the aisle donning a white dress and a lace garter belt before eating fancy cake and air kissing noxious in-laws, really worth missing out on a life filled with exploration, self-fulfilment, wanton casual sex and the chance to figure out who they really are without being tied to a couch, kitchen and nappy duties for all eternity?

Sounds like the death of youth to me.

Yet, when I got ensconced in a long-term relationship from the age of 18, none of the above even entered my head. Being part of a twosome actually gave me more time to focus on myself (instead of worrying about where my next date, meal or rent payment would come from), focus on the creative side of my career (without stressing out whether it would enable me to afford the lifestyle I was accustomed to) and allowed me to feel safe, secure and fulfilled in the knowledge that I had already found my “one”. The search was off. A life together was on.

It never worked out for me (towards the end, our goals changed, freedom was a thing of the past and living together was no longer a joy but a chore).

On the flip side, my friend Marty (who is now 28 with two kids in tow) met his wife at a party when he was 22. She was 28. After experiencing that rare light-bulb moment of “love at first sight”, they fell in love, promptly moved in together and she soon fell pregnant.

“Life could have gone either way,” he tells me. “It was like a coin toss – either we could make a go of it, have the child, get married and hope for the best, or we could go the other way and take none of it.”

It took him one week of heavy consideration to make the decision that changed his life, and nowadays he couldn’t be happier.

“Of course it was going through my head that there would be no more playboy ways,” he laughs when I ask him if he ever considered not going through with it in a bid to hold on to his freedom.

“That was the hardest thing to let go of. But when I looked into the future and saw what it could be, I decided that I was going to go with it. I knew I loved her very much and did eventually want to marry her, so I just thought: why not now?”

Lucky for Marty, the girl he fell in love with turned out to be one of those people who allows the other person to grow in the relationship without making them feeling trapped, censored or under the thumb.

“She’s not a ball breaker – she just goes with the flow.”

Which is exactly what I think makes or breaks the relationship of those who marry early. Because here’s the thing: people change. You mature. You grow at different rates. And you can either grow apart, or you can grow together. If you grow apart, you’re left with a relationship that is more like a friendship than a romantic union filed with sex and fun-filled adventures for two. But if you grow together from an early age and share similar values, interests and life goals, then things can be magical – the stuff fairy tales are made.

Of course the pros and cons of marrying early are plentiful. And even Marty will admit that it’s difficult at times.

“You do lose a bit of your youth … but it’s not so much in a bad way. You just do.” He also says that he found himself having to do things that normal 20-somethings just wouldn’t have to do – which can be really testing on a relationship. Others I’ve polled say that marrying young means you never truly get a chance to know yourself or what you want, you have to grow up too early and miss out, and you never truly discover what good sex is.

I’m in two minds. Dating someone from a young age allows you to grow, expand and explore the world without having to worry about finding a date, getting dumped or having to do it on your own. You are secure, safe and elated with knowing that there’s someone by your side no matter what. On the other hand there’s missed youth and the feeling that there might be something more out there that you’ll never truly discover.

Either way, I truly envy couples like Marty and his wife. They will tell you that it’s rubbish that marrying young isn’t the way to go about it. That if you truly find someone special, why delay it? Instead they will say that it’s how hard you work at the relationship that counts.

And I certainly hope they’re right

For better not worse

Life in the 21st century is putting more strain on marriages than ever. Sheba Wheeler speaks to the experts on how to ease the load.

What with the military planning, financially crippling outlays and generally enormous importance we accord modern weddings, it’s easy for couples to think the hard part is over after the walk down the aisle. But relationship experts who have studied marriages over the decades say the work has just begun, especially for today’s bride and groom.

Modern marriages require more communication skills, conflict management and negotiation, says Howard Markman, a University of Denver professor. Which all sounds depressingly close to a hard day at the office, but is probably true when one considers that everyday relationship stresses have grown beyond both parents working outside the home and managing over-scheduled children’s hobbies. Results from a longitudinal study on relationships begun in 1996 show that anxieties about war, terrorism, financial pressures, job loss, depression and technology – internet use and social networking – are pulling marriages apart.

Sweat the small stuff … passionate sex is important but so is paying attention.

Markman says US studies indicate that 20 per cent of couples who recently wed had met online. But technology also makes it easier to cheat; couples point to internet pornography and arguments over appropriate mobile phone usage among marriage-tension factors. “Instead of just fighting about money or how frequently to have sex, couples are also fighting about time spent on Facebook or whether it’s okay to send a text during a romantic dinner or bring a laptop on a getaway weekend,” says Markman, who, along with co-authors Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, has updated Fighting for Your Marriage to reflect changes in matrimony and romantic relationships since the book was first published in 1994.

So, in the hope of fostering more happiness, closeness and longevity in your marriage, here’s some advice from Markman and his co-authors, as well as tips from Terri Orbuch, author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great.

Do sweat the small stuff Everyday issues and annoyances that accumulate over time lead to unhappiness and divorce, says Orbuch, project director of the US National Institute of Health’s Early Years of Marriage Project, which has followed nearly 400 American couples since they wed in 1986. Of those couples, 46 per cent have divorced (a figure close to the US national average of 40 to 45 per cent).

“The toilet seat that wasn’t put down becomes ‘He doesn’t listen to me or pay attention to me,’ ” Orbuch says. “That becomes ‘He doesn’t respect me.’ And then we have a huge issue that slowly eats away at marital happiness over time.”

Know when to hold them When trying to discuss an issue with a partner, know when to bring it up. Avoid that moment when your spouse walks through the door after a long day at work, while watching TV or when entrenched in your children’s activities. And even though 11pm is the most common shared downtime, don’t talk about it then, either. Wait until both partners are calm and not irritated.

Baby steps with texts Orbuch suggests couples send an email or text message to start an issue, not discuss or resolve one, and then set up a time to hash things out. She says men like a heads-up about difficult conversations, appreciate the set appointment and will be even happier talking the situation through if it’s approached during a shared activity, such as going for a walk together.

Maintain passionate sex Passion is high in the beginning of a relationship, but injecting newness and mystery will keep it stoked over time. Knowing what your partner likes to do every Sunday morning is an example of “companion at love”, built on friendship and support, experts say. But that won’t fuel passion.

Anything new and novel shared together will surprise and increase adrenalin. For example, take a class together or whisk your partner away to a movie in the middle of the afternoon.

The 10-minute rule Spend at least that much time each day talking about anything besides work, family or the state of the relationship – it could be politics, sport or movies, for instance. Or ask your partner what they’re most proud of doing in the past year. Who are they closer to, their mum or dad?

“We start out asking those questions, but after many years of marriage, people stop asking,” Orbuch says. Happy couples know what each other’s top three expectations are – trust, respect and fidelity, for example – and keep asking over time.

Give men positive feedback Men crave “affective affirmation”, or compliments and encouragement from their wives, says Orbuch. Women still need it from their husbands, but if they aren’t getting it from them, they have access to it from their mothers, sisters, best friends and even strangers who make comments about how good they look. Men don’t get it from their friends, family or work colleagues.

Markman tells couples to send a text during the day saying, “I love you” or “I can’t wait to be in bed with you tonight” rather than “What’s for dinner?” Say thanks for putting on that first pot of coffee or for cooking a favourite dish.

Don’t live together unless you are planning a future together Today’s couples are marrying later in life and living together more often for longer periods of time. But couples should avoid living together out of convenience or as a test of compatibility. Markman’s study found that Americans who’d lived together without any commitment to marry were 25 per cent more likely to get divorced once they did.

“Couples today tend to slide into relationships and marriage without making a conscious decision,” Markman says. “What happens to many couples is they start accumulating things, including kids, and then they get married out of pressure.”

Sunday Life

16:00 AEST Thu Jun 10 2010

One of the most expensive divorce cases in Australian history is being contested in Adelaide, The Australian reports.

The Family Court has rejected a woman’s bid to claim $278,000 a month in spousal maintenance for herself and her autistic son.

The woman, who cannot be named, applied for the money before a final settlement from her Hong Kong-based ex-husband, who is thought to be worth between $77 million and $110 million.

She also tried to claim a $24 million property settlement, including a $3.3 million chalet in Switzerland, as well as $1.2 million per year to pay for her son’s care.

The woman has already spent $16 million from the pool of marital assets, which she claims has been used on legal fees and living expenses.

She claimed their 14-year old son requires the support of four full-time carers to deal with his autism, three of whom are her siblings who are being paid $110,000 a year.

The ex-husband’s lawyers are contesting that claim, as the court heard that the boy had become “very much the little prince” in his home.

A child psychologist told the court that the care of the son has become a “cottage industry” for the wife’s family and that they have made a career out of their involvement with “the little prince phenomenon.”

The father has been fighting in court since 2007 to see his son but the wife has failed to deliver the teen to meetings set up by the court, claiming that he gets anxious when told he must see his father.

The father, whose declared income is $300,000 a week, remarried in 2008 and now lives with his new wife in Hong Kong.

He proposed paying $10,788 a week, or $560,000 a year, to pay for his son’s care and education.

He also recently placed $691,000 into a trust fund for his son.

The ex-wife attempted to justify her claims with a statement of recent expenses, including $4624 spent on balloons and flowers for her son’s 14th birthday party and $125,000 a month in legal fees.

Her own weekly expenses were listed at $6524 a week, including $2300 for holidays and $800 for clothes.

The court has granted the ex-wife $375,000 in a lump sum payment to last her until the full hearing later this year.

The couple, from Adelaide, met in the late 1980s and married in 1994.

This latest hearing was the 29th in the case so far.

People Statistics > Divorce rate (most recent) by country

Showing latest available data.

Rank	Countries	Amount
# 1	United States:	4.95 per 1,000 people
# 2	Puerto Rico:	4.47 per 1,000 people
# 3	Russia:	3.36 per 1,000 people
# 4	United Kingdom:	3.08 per 1,000 people
# 5	Denmark:	2.81 per 1,000 people
# 6	New Zealand:	2.63 per 1,000 people
# 7	Australia:	2.52 per 1,000 people
# 8	Canada:	2.46 per 1,000 people
# 9	Finland:	1.85 per 1,000 people
# 10	Barbados:	1.21 per 1,000 people
# 11	Guadeloupe:	1.18 per 1,000 people
# 12	Qatar:	0.97 per 1,000 people
# 13	Portugal:	0.88 per 1,000 people
# 14	Albania:	0.83 per 1,000 people
# 15	Tunisia:	0.82 per 1,000 people
# 16	Singapore:	0.8 per 1,000 people
# 17	China:	0.79 per 1,000 people
# 18	Greece:	0.76 per 1,000 people
# 19	Brunei:	0.72 per 1,000 people
# 20	Panama:	0.68 per 1,000 people
# 21	Syria:	0.65 per 1,000 people
# 22	Thailand:	0.58 per 1,000 people
# 23	Mauritius:	0.47 per 1,000 people
# 24	Ecuador:	0.42 per 1,000 people
# 25	El Salvador:	0.41 per 1,000 people
# 26	Cyprus:	0.39 per 1,000 people
= 27	Chile:	0.38 per 1,000 people
= 27	Jamaica:	0.38 per 1,000 people
= 29	Mongolia:	0.37 per 1,000 people
= 29	Turkey:	0.37 per 1,000 people
# 31	Mexico:	0.33 per 1,000 people
# 32	Italy:	0.27 per 1,000 people
# 33	Brazil:	0.26 per 1,000 people
# 34	Sri Lanka:	0.15 per 1,000 people
	Weighted average:	1.3 per 1,000 people

SOURCE: divorcereform.org 2004

Separation and divorce, and the events leading up to them, interrupt the stability and predictability that children need. Other than the death of an immediate family member, divorce is the most stressful event that can affect a family. Because the world as they know it has ended, children may feel a great loss as well as anxiety, anger, and sadness. Children may fear being abandoned or losing their parents’ love. Also, for many reasons, parenting skills often worsen around the time of the divorce. Parents are usually preoccupied and may be angry and hostile toward each other. Children may feel guilty about causing the divorce. If parents ignore children or visit sporadically and unpredictably, children feel rejected.

Once parents decide to separate and divorce, family members move through several stages of adjustment. In the acute stage (the period when parents decide to separate, including the time preceding the divorce), turmoil is often maximal. This stage may last up to 2 years. During the transitional stage (the weeks around the actual divorce), the child is in an adjustment period to the new relationship between the parents, visitation, and the new relationship with the noncustodial parent. After the divorce (the post-divorce stage), a different type of stability should develop.

During the divorce, schoolwork may seem unimportant to children and adolescents, and school performance often worsens. Children may have fantasies that parents will reconcile. Children aged 2 to 5 years may have difficulty sleeping, temper tantrums, and separation anxiety. Toileting skills may deteriorate. Children aged 5 to 12 years can experience sadness, grief, intense anger, and irrational fears (phobias). Adolescents often feel insecure, lonely, and sad. Some engage in risk-taking behaviors, such as drug and alcohol use, sex, theft, and violence. Others may develop eating disorders, become defiant, skip school, or join peers who are engaging in risk-taking behaviors.

Children need to be able to express their feelings to an adult who listens attentively. Counseling can provide children with a caring adult who, unlike their parents, will not be upset by their feelings.

Children adjust best when parents cooperate with each other and focus on the child’s needs. Parents must remember that a divorce only severs their relationship as husband and wife, not their relationship as parents of their children. Whenever possible, parents should live close to each other, treat each other respectfully in the child’s presence, maintain the other’s involvement in the child’s life, and consider the child’s wishes regarding visitation. Older children and adolescents should be given increasing say in living arrangements. Parents should never suggest that their children take sides and should try not to express negative feelings about the other parent to their children. Parents should discuss issues openly, honestly, and calmly with their children; remain affectionate with them; continue to discipline consistently; and maintain normal expectations regarding chores and schoolwork. Most children regain a sense of security and support within about a year after divorce if the parents adjust and work to meet the child’s needs.

For a child, remarriage of either parent can create new conflict but should restore a sense of stability and permanency if handled appropriately by all of the adults involved. Some children feel disloyal to one parent by accepting the other parent’s new spouse.

http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec23/ch287/ch287d.html

	Additional Notes:
The Changing Structures of Families Most people picture a traditional family as a married man and woman and their biologic children. However, a family may consist of a single parent, a gay couple, or unrelated adults who live and rear children together.During the last several decades, increasing numbers of families have deviated from the traditional model. Divorce forces many children into single-parent families or blended families created by adults living together or remarriage. About 33% of children are born to single mothers, and about 10% of children are born to single teenage mothers.  Many children are reared by grandparents or other relatives. Over 1 million children live with adoptive parents.Even traditional families have changed. Often both parents work outside the home, requiring many children to receive regular care outside of the family setting. Because of school and career commitments, many couples postpone having children until their 30s and even 40s. Changing cultural expectations have resulted in fathers spending increasing amounts of time rearing children. Conflicts develop in every family, but healthy families are strong enough to resolve conflicts or thrive despite them. Whatever their makeup, healthy families provide children with a sense of belonging and meet children’s physical, emotional, developmental, and spiritual needs. Members of healthy families express emotion and support for each other in ways consistent within their own culture and family traditions.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Wives—Sex-Is-Very,-Very-Important-to-the-Success-of-Your-Marriage&id=3832186

I believe there is a need to reiterate the need for our women to admit that sex is highly important in marriage and that it is one of the means of keeping their marriages intact. Most men are not cut out for extra-marital affairs in the real sense of it. They are tempted to go into it for lack what they thought they would get freely and in large quantity without restriction by getting married.

It is believed that you obtain a license to have unlimited sex once you’re publicly proclaimed married, but the reverse is the case. For example, couples should have sex and romances during holidays and most weekends. This becomes really important where the husband is so keen on sex.

What’s then the essence of being together for so long a period as husband and wife duly and legally married? Due to lack of sex(or non at all), men may have cause to consider having an affair when this started (the opportunities are there). At times, husbands often try severally to express this. But their wives failure to change, may bring marriages to a situation where they need counseling to get back on track. Meanwhile, such husband that are keen on sex may actually be really good and adventurous at lovemaking, and he will need maximum sex from his wife.

All that have been said becomes really important where the wife cannot match the sex drive of her husband and is not seen as trying, there will definitely be problem with such a marriage. In one of my articles on the topic, I wrote that, ‘The place of sex in marriage cannot be overemphasized. It is in fact, the bedrock of a good communication and understanding in the home. Sexual relationship between a man and his wife will help them to express their innate feelings for each other’.

The wife’s view of sex affects how her husband feels about her. Unsatisfactory sexual relations are at the root of many marriage problems. In some cases, this is due to the husband’s lack of consideration and understanding of his wife’s physical and emotional needs.

In some cases, it is the wife’s failure to share physically and emotionally in the experience with her husband. The sexual act, willingly and warmly participated in by both husband and wife, should be an intimate expression of the love that they feel for each other.

 

Mon, Apr 12, 2010

The Korea Herald/Asia News Network

15 minutes to tell if you’ll end up in divorce

by Song Woong-ki

Whether that’s a stretch or not, psychologist John Gottman, is pretty certain of his methodology in dissecting the mechanics of a marriage.

“Based on watching 15 minutes of a married couple’s interaction with one another, we can predict with 94 per cent accuracy who stays together and who divorces,” he said at a press conference in Seoul yesterday. “As a result, we are almost never asked to dinner from our friends.”

For a week, Gottman, together with wife Julie Schwartz Gottman, are scheduled to hold seminars with local marriage counselors and therapists, as well as run workshops with newlyweds. They are here as part of an invitation from Choi Sung-ae, a psychologist who runs a family clinic that applies the Gottman methodology with her husband Cho Byeok.

The clinic is the first in Asia to use the Gottman method according to Hainam Publishing, the publisher of the Korean-language edition of the Gottmans’ books, including “Ten Lesson to Transform Your Marriage.”

So what makes this couple credible in their work?

For one, the 68-year-old psychologist, along with his wife, has been involved in case studies of more than 3,000 couples for the past 35 years.

The two have devoted their research in helping newlyweds get out of marriage peril through counseling and workshops applying their seven principles rule.

Based on their studies, they claim the most pivotal period of a marriage for newlyweds is after their first child is born.

“We discovered that when a couple has their first baby, 67 percent experience a tragic decline in their relationship happiness and an increase in hostility between the baby’s parents in the first three years of the baby’s life,” he said.

“The hostility transfers to the baby and damages the baby’s neurological cognitive and emotional development. But there are the remaining 33 percent that are masters of this transition and we have asked ourselves what are the differences between the people who fail and those who don’t?”

Part of the Gottmans’ theory is that there are four major emotional reactions that are destructive to a marriage:

Defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt. Among these four, they consider contempt the most damaging of them all.

Through their workshops, they have come up with ways to prevent these factors from ruining a marriage.

“We discovered that we could reverse these negative effects through workshops over two days,” he said.

“This is accomplished by four methods: one — making conflict more constructive, two — increasing friendship and intimacy between mother and father, three — honoring the father’s role, and increasing shared meaning about becoming a family.”

But let’s for a moment forget the effectiveness of their therapy.

Would their methods be applicable to a country where traditionally, Confucianism has strongly influenced every aspect of society?

“We’re just learning about these differences just now,” she said.

“We have much to learn about Korean families, so please forgive us for not knowing more, but from the scientific research we have done over the years, we know that one of the leading causes of marital strain is external stress such as work.

“Korea has undergone one of the most rapid periods of economic growth that the world has ever seen but the cost has been high and families, although strong by generations of connection, are now weakening.”

“Certainly, we have taken into account the question of compatibility of the Gottman Insitute’s methods here,” Choi said. “That is why I have been working with them to make their program accessible and compatible with local married couples.”

Recent census data in Korea has revealed worrying statistics.

According to latest figures, there has been a four-fold decrease in birthrates and a sharp spike in divorces — five times that of figures from three decades ago.

And it’s not just Korea.

“For the past 60 years we’ve seen the breakdown of the American family. Divorce rates are estimated between 60 percent and 67 percent,” Gottman said. “Children are feeling the tragic effects of these breakdowns.”

Gottman said he first began his studies on relationships and marriage with colleague Bob Levinson “to learn how to have better relationships with women.”

He is the author of several bestselling books and has been the recipient of numerous awards, including four National Institute of Mental Health Research Scientist Awards and the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy Distinguished Research Scientist Award.

Family Safety Current Trends – About Domestic Homicide and Murder-Suicide

Why Affairs Cause Heartache

If you’ve been tempted to stray, you may not be concerned with why affairs cause heartache.  After all, it feels so good to have someone lavishing attention on you and making you feel like you’re someone special.  This can be very tempting, especially when your significant other doesn’t even seem to give you the time of day. 

But before you step over the line, you need to consider some reasons on why you shouldn’t have an affair.  First of all, if you are thinking about getting a divorce, or if your affair leads to divorce, you have put yourself in a bad position.  The discovery of an affair tends to make spouses combative during divorce proceedings, and can also impact a judges decision on custody and property settlement.

Another important consideration is the impact that an affair can have on your integrity and self esteem.  The article below makes some really good points on why affairs cause heartache, especially from a woman’s point of view.

Affairs Are About Anything But Love

Participants present affairs as arising by chance and based upon love and mutual adoration.  The relationship advances from flirtation to infatuation.  This can happen quickly or over considerable time.  Eventually there is an expectation that the affair advance to sexual behavior.  The participants then claim each other as true love partners who understand each other better than their own spouses.  It sounds so romantic and so beyond their control.  The relationship continues in secrecy.

Scratch the surface and what may transpire is one emotionally vulnerable adult and another adult seeking sexual gratification.  More often than not, it will be the woman who is emotionally vulnerable and the man who is seeking the sexual gratification.  Upon this scenario, the man professes his love and the woman in part feels completed by his attention and in part badly about herself for the context of the relationship.

What is most important for women to realize is that this is not a healthy loving relationship.  More to the point, these relationships can be insidiously emotionally and psychologically abusive of women.

Affairs are secretive by nature and represent a betrayal of fidelity.  Hence they contribute to marital turmoil and demise.  Because of these factors, affairs also diminish personal integrity. It is hard to feel good about oneself entirely in this situation.  If one does feel good about oneself, it may be through a psychological process of disassociation or splitting.  Through these psychological processes a person cuts him or herself off from those parts of oneself that are distressful.  Hence the person is not fully integrated in terms of feelings, thoughts and actions.  It is a way to cope with loss of integrity.

Decent men do not subject the object of their affection to such harm.  Decent men would not place a woman in conflict with her marital partner, family, children, friends and community… or with herself.  Men who engage in such activity tend to be working towards their own sexual gratification over the needs of the woman.  The approach then, often involves a process of grooming towards the sexual encounter.  The man pursues, the woman resists, the man continues and escalates displays of affection and adoration, and the woman succumbs.  The period of grooming will depend on the vulnerability of the woman and the intensity of the pursuit.  Guilt and shame are the most common of feelings when the intoxication of the moment subsides and the woman is left to ponder the experience.

If a fellow truly admires a married woman, in the first place he wouldn’t compromise her marriage, family or integrity, but in the event feelings deepened and were mutual, he would resist the relationship so that the woman could choose how to deal with her marriage first – without the complications imposed by an affair.  In the event the fellow is also married, his transgressions are threefold; one against his spouse, the other against the married woman as described above and the third to himself.  He has also participated in self-demeaning behavior.

Affairs are about anything but love.  Romance has nothing to do with it.  Harm to the participants and bystanders is an inevitable conclusion.  Hardly the example anyone would want for their children.

No wonder affairs only happen in secret.

Article by Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW  www.yoursocialworker.com
Gary Direnfeld is a child-behaviour expert, a social worker, and the author of Raising Kids Without Raising Cane. Courts in Ontario, Canada consider Gary an expert on matters pertaining to child development, custody and access, family/marital therapy and social work.

If you are thinking about stepping outside your marriage to find the love and attention you need, then you need to consider not only why affairs cause heartache, but also what the eventual outcome might be.  The following articles offer more information about affairs and their cause.

Extramarital Affairs
Signs of Cheating
Spying On Your Spouse
More Articles on Affairs

Getting A Divorce / Children and Divorce/ Emotions and Divorce

I followed the latest Jack Neo’s sex scandal with a heavy heart.

  I also cried when I saw how harassed the beleaguered couple was when photographers went up to the press conference stage e to take pictures of the poor couple from all angles. It was humility at its lowest point.  Irene Neo, Jack’s wife,  reportedly fainted after the short press conference. It will take immense effort on both the couple’s part to renew and continue their  marital relationship after such a massive onslaught on their privacy.

 To rub more salt into his fragile wound, many people have compared the number of girls that Jack have  bedded with those of golf legend Tiger Wood and even labeling him “Oh Jack you tiger!” Such cheap taunts are certainly uncalled for.

 It showed how merciless the media can be if you are a celebrity caught in the wrong limelight. More girls coming forward to expose Jack’s mischief also didn’t help the famed film director. More importantly, Jack’s wholesome image is forever tarnished from now on and one wonders if his films will be continued to be cherished from now on.

 The media coverage on the scandal is also maddening. Every day, there will be a few articles on the latest on Jack and his new mistresses. Not since the news on terrorist Mas Selamat’s escape did we have so much spotlight focused on one individual and his exploits. Some of Asiaone’s articles on the scandal  were viewed in the tens of thousands daily!

 Netizens were also divided on whether Jack should be forgiven or forsaken. The gravity of the situation was heightened when it was reported by Sin Min Daily that he has up to eleven girls on his plate. Jack was smart not to answer to such such gossipy news. Naturally, more women chose not to forgive Jack than men.  Some even will choose to boycott his movies from now on. I guess this is an individual decision that each of us have to make for ourselves.

 The intense media spotlight must have being very strenuous on Jack and his family. One wonders if he is of a lesser mortal being, will be be subjected to so much attention? Probably not.

 I believe many married people have cheated behind their spouses’ back. The mushrooming of massage parlours and karaoke lounges and executives working on overseas trips have subjected men to much sexual temptation. It takes a very disciplined strong man to resist sexual temptation as there is the belief that what he does abroad is unseen by anyone. Many wives have also turn a blind eye to such overseas tryst so long their husbands take the necessary precaution and not commit their emotion into such dangerous liaisons.

We may also be greatly influenced from those Hollywood movies and sitcoms that are aired almost daily on our televison. We have “Desperate Housewives” – a sitcom series heavily laced with extra marital affairs.  It is almost unnatural not to have a fling on that popular US sitcom.  Our young women are also getting very modern nowadays and sex before marriage is becoming very common for them. It is no longer a shameful thing if you marry because you are pregnant. I have seen so many of such marriages these days.

 I also remembered when I did my reservist duties many years ago, many of my army buddies would rush into town to look for women during the short rest and recreation (R & R) break. To them, it was time to have some fun and it seemed right after “suffering” for many days in the field. I decided not to join them due to religious reason

Our country  also  has the unfortunate reputation of having one of the lowest sex frequency in the world for married people. Many of my male friends told me that getting sex from their wives is like striking 4D. Has work stress prevented many of our couples from having fun in the bedroom that they have to seek sexual pleasure outside of their marriages? Are our over-woked ambitious wives to be blamed here?

 The whole episode  also reminded me of  a few  of my friends who lost their marriages when they  were caught  committing extra marital affairs. Naturally, most of them were men. Most of them confessed to me that they got very little sex from their spouses and thus have to seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere.

 I am not saying that women are  entirely to be blamed here for our men’s sexual tyrst outside of marriage. However, I have known  women who use sex as a weapon to control the whole relationship. If the husband fails to give in to the woman on certain issue, sex will be withheld and a power struggle soon ensues. Few men will beg their wives for sex out of pride and ego. Sex that is not mutually appreciated is also boring and unfulfilling. After a while, most men will explore having sex outside marriage.

 A marriage without sex is like having a pot of plant without adding on fertiliser and water on a regular basis. The relationship like the potted plant will soon die off.

 Psychologists have all along advised that for man sex is like food – an item that is  on the basic list of the Maslow’s hierarchy of need. Women can do away with sex as it is something unimportant to them. By now, you should have heard of the slogan: “Man gives love to get sex and woman gives sex to get love.”  This shows how different we are in our biological makeup.

 Jack was lucky that his wife Irene stood by him even after  he has committed a string of  affairs. She has every right to divorce him but didn’t.  For that, she earned my respect and I think many Singaporeans who are following the scandal closely. Most women will divorce their husbands if they were caught committing adultery. The trust is gone and it is a stab to a woman’s self esteem when her husband was caught enjoying another person’s body. Most men will also not forgive their wives if the same thing happened to them.

 I sincerely hope that the media will allow Jack and his family to sort  out their own private life from now on.  Enough has being said both online and offline to last a long time.  It is time for our press to lay off the couple and allow them the time and space to grieve and heal. Hopefully, over time, we will all enjoy Jack for his movies  than his scandals.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=QN9QqTh9hhw

Jack Neo and wife broke down in tears during press conference on 11 March 2010

Reporting from 东方天蝎大楼, 10.20am

Beleaguered Jack Neo, who was rocked by a series of sex scandals since last Saturday after his mistress alerted the media of his sexual exploits, finally broke his silence on the saga.

The press conference venue at 东方天蝎大楼 was already swarmed by reporters from both SPH and Mediacorp 10 minutes before it began.

As the media waited in anticipation, Jack Neo’s manager went on stage and reminded everybody present that this will be the one and only press conference given by Jack and here will be no further comments on this matter. There will also not be a Q&A session much to the disappointment of the crowd.

Jack and his wife arrived at 10.15am and was seen walking to the stage holding hands together.

Jack began by saying in mandarin:

“Dear friends of the media, thanks for your concern over the last few days. I would like to stress that all that had happened is solely the fault of mine and does not involve anybody else. I feel very fortunate today that my wife has forgiven me.”

Halfway through the press conference, Jack Neo broke down and cried.

“My wife has suffered more pain than any woman in this world. I am very sorry for what has happened. This is my last time speaking to the media.”

Jack then passed the mike to his wife, who said:

“I do not know how to handle the media…..All I want to say is that I have forgiven Jack.  I treasure Jack Neo, my marriage and my children. I have been hurt alot. I ask the media to let us off and give us some space and your blessings. Thank you,” she cried.

The press conference ended abruptly before it began. As Jack and his wife left the stage, the journalists rushed to surround them for further questions which caused a stir when members from Jack’s production team shouted at them to leave the couple alone.

Jack’s wife was reported to have fainted upon leaving the press conference.

A father of four, Jack is arguably Singapore’s most famous and successful movie director with a series of award-winning films such as “I not stupid” and “Run children!” under his belt.

The sex scandal has gripped the attention of the entire nation as Jack Neo is a familiar figure with many Singaporeans with his landmark “Comedy Night” in the 1990s.

He is also awarded a PBM in 2004 for his grassroots volunteer work and a Cultural Medallion in 2005. A PAP member himself, he is rumored to be close to Foreign Minister George Yeo who jumped almost immediately to his defence, calling on Singaporeans to rally around him.

While guys are more tolerant of his misadventures - a survey done by Lianhe Wanbao revealed that 75 percent of the men polled are willing to forgiving him, many women are disappointed and disgusted by hiss infidelity and vow to boycott his films from now onwards.

Jack has since apologized to his wife Irene Kng who has forgiven him. Speaking to Lianhe Wanbao yesterday, she said Jack is now like her “baby” whom she “sayangs” everyday.

Other Videos:

See yahoo video broadcast of the news conference (very clear)

See  also Channelnewsasia video broadcast of the press conference