Editor’s Note: This article first appeared here on 1 Dec 2010 and was brought back due to the recent spike of suicides in Singapore. If you are depressed and harboured suicidal thoughts, please email me at gilbert@transitioning.org. We have a team of qualified dedicated counsellors ready to help you out. Taking your own life does not solve  any of your problems, in fact, it leaves behind a trail of misery and guilt for your loved ones. So seek help now!

Written by: Gilbert Goh

Two recent newspaper reports caught my attention: one was the good news that Singapore’s monthly median income  rose to $2710 – an increase of 4.2% compared to the previous year of 0.5%.

Another eye-catching news was a suicide that took place on the Queenstown MRT track. Apparently, a man in his 40s has jumped to the track at around 8.15pm causing massive disruption to the west-bound  train services between Outram Park and Jurong East MRT stations.

There is this persistent online rumour that gambling debt has forced the man to take his own life. This is however unsubstantiated but very possible as the Chinese community has always been cursed with a cultural gambling problem.

Our hundreds of Singapore Pools’ legalised betting booths and two mega casinos have ensured that gambling addicts have easy access to wager their hard-earned money. I have seen many families broke up because someone within the family has a gambling problem. It is obvious that gambling and loan sharking go hand in hand and many families have pay the painful price.

Singaporeans have also been committing suicides at MRT stations so regularly  that half-length platform screen doors will be installed at all 36 above-station MRT stations by the year 2012 as a preventive measure.

However, I wonder how effective such platform screen doors will be if a person is determined  to commit suicide at the track or simply jump off our thousands of high-rise HDB flats.

Physical deterrence is just not an effective   adequate measure to prevent someone bent on killing himself if the underlying emotional root causes are not detected and resolved early.

We are know how Singapore is such a stressful materialistic society to live in. This is one main reason why thousands of Singaporeans decide to pack their bags every year to live abroad. Many yearn for a more balanced lifestyle which our country could not readily provide.

Our small nuclear family unit and lack of social interaction due to the rising popularity of social networks mean that many people have no real access to a human touch when they needed one.  Some are so muted to social interaction that they have even turn to online counselling than seeing a counsellor face to face!

Singapore’s suicide rate  ranked 46 out of 104 countries

According to the data obtained from World Health Organisation on  the  suicide rate of its population from year 2008, Singapore ranked at a respective 46 out of 105 countries listed.

An average 10.3 people  out of  100,000 took their own lives in Singapore (2006) and we fared much better than developed countries such as Japan 24.4 (2007), Switzerland 17.5 (2006), Hong Kong 15.2 (2006) and US 11.1 (2007).

Over one million people commit suicide every year worldwide. The World Health Organization estimates that it is the thirteenth-leading cause of death worldwide. It is a leading cause of death among teenagers and adults under 35. There are an estimated 10 to 20 million non-fatal attempted suicides every year.

Figures from the Samaritans of Singapore, SOS, showed that the total number of suicides has increased from 364 in 2008 to 401 last year due mainly to the economic crisis and its underlying repercussions (source: Channelnewsasia 26 Jul 2010).

For every successful suicide attempt, there were seven unsuccessful ones.

More worrying, among youths, there was also an increase in numbers from 12 to 19 in two years – to hit a five-year high.

Men also accounted for two in three suicide deaths. Last year, men accounted for 267 of 401 recorded suicides, double that of female suicides, 134.

Young men in the age group of 20-29 were found to be at high risk.

Among them, suicides among men in their 20s doubled to 51, the highest since 1991.

I seriously believed that statistically the suicide figure should have been higher. The  coroner could have simply record a case of unnatural death if someone jumped off a block without leaving  a suicide note behind.  His death is not listed as suicide unless there is clear cut evidence of him doing so.

My close friend committed suicide at 21 years old

I remembered how a close friend of mine committed suicide  by hanging himself outside a church compound.  He was only 21 years old.

This was probably why I am very concerned when clients told me that they are suicidal – it always brought back this unforgettable experience I had with my close buddy.

In fact, another secondary school classmate was so moved  by the incident that he took up psychology as his core major while studying in the US. Now, he has a PhD in psychology and worked among those who need his  expertise.

In a way, my close friend’s death has touched some lives and I am sure that it was not in vain.

Studies have also shown that people who took their lives often talked about it with their close friends or loved ones. Some even prepared their suicide by giving away  their stuff as remembrance or buying up additional insurance policies so that their family members will be taken care of.

My friend  was clearly suffering from some psychological issue and the family had sent him to the former Woodbridge Hospital for evaluation. I also remembered helping to contact a volunteer Catholic counsellor who meet him once weeks prior to his suicide.

After he was discharged from the hospital, he took his own life the very night.

He was very unhappy that his family had placed him under psychiatriac  care  - against his will and I believed that this had worsened the situation for him.  His bruised ego took a massive hit of which he could never recover.

Shock reverberated through the secondary class when news of his death reached the classmates  and many of us who were close to him were blamed for not taking good care of him. I think most of us close to him  grew up a few more years after that fateful event.

A closely-knitted small Christian fellowship group that met weekly was also disbanded suddenly as rumours ensued that a love interest he developed with a girl there was not reciprocrated  and he took it badly.

For me, I not only lost a close friend but also a solid support system that meant alot to me. Until now, after almost thirty years since the group disbanded, most of the group members did not want to meet up and maybe the shame was too much to face up to as a group.

We studied together during secondary school and over weekend would play soccer with our other secondary school mates. He seemed ordinary and was a jovial lad to hang out with.

His family is also intact and cared for him alot.

However, he was particularly concerned with his cross-eyed countenance and even went for a failed operation to address the physical ailment. I guessed it was something that really bothered him alot and I encouraged him to get it fixed.

The operation sadly failed and he plunged deeper into a depression. His unrecipocrated love interest was another huge setback that resulted in an enormous dent on his self confidence.

Moreover, he failed to make the cut for polytechnic entry after his GCE O levels and in many ways he faced a  personal crisis of his own making which would toughen  him up alot if he had doggedly hang in there and not given up.

Unfortunately, he could not hang in there and succumbed to the pressures of life.

Why do people commit suicide?

For one who has  harboured  suicidal thoughts before, I must share that it really takes alot of courage for one to jump off a building or on to a MRT track before an approaching train.

Your knees shook and you may even put it off as the mere thought of doing it can simply freak you out.

I believe that those who did it must have thought of  suicide  for many months before mustering enough courage to eventually jump off a train platform. Most jumpers are also men as it took alot of raw courage to make the suicidal attempt.

Women preferred to take pills or slash their wrists as it is a less painful suicidal attempt. Most women also want to send a signal to their loved ones through their suicidal attempt so that they can have some attention and care.

Of course, unfortunately, some women have died from their attention-seeking attempts.

However, those who successfully  took  their own lives basically see no possible solution  to their personal problems and the psychological turmoil churning inside can be more tormenting than the issue itself.

I remembered facing massive financial problem during my joblessness in 2000/01. I could not sleep and eat well and psychologically I was very disturbed.

The mere fact that I could lose my home and became a bankrupt were too much for me to face up to. My ego took a massive hit in a materialistic  society that always favour those who have a fat bank account and gleaming cars.

I also stayed away from friends and my family and simply rotted away as I drowned myself in abject misery.

Naturally, I harboured suicidal thoughts as the problems seemed insurmountable and there was no way out. Thankfully, I snapped out of it and turned to friends for soft loans in humility.

It was a slow path to recovery but I was relieved that I didn’t make any real attempt to take my own life thought the thoughts were always there.

I always believe  that we all go through life events much the same as everyone else – with its regular ups and downs. Some may face more ups than downs and vice versa but  we all don’t have a smooth-sailing life.

There are certain periods in our  life that will be particularly stressful and requires  all of our inner resources for us to make it through.

Moreover, bad news always come as a bundle and  they  keep on coming incessantly – nonstop.

The nights seem longer and the sky is always grey. The light never seems to be there at the end of the tunnel.

Psychologists have commented how our adversity quotient will determine whether we can make it through life’s worse moments.

Those who grew up the rough way tend to be more resilient and have more inner strength to handle  life’s struggles than one who is rather sheltered and protected while growing up.

Someone who was made a bankrupt may want to take his life in shame whereas another bankrupt will want to fight on and try to turn his life around.

Dr Paul Stoltz, the guru of adversity quotient, recently wrote in  an article “When adversity strikes, what do you do?”:-

“I’ve surveyed more than 1,000 companies in 53 countries with these questions. And the sad truth is, most (70-90 percent) of the time, people do some combination of avoiding, surviving, and coping, meaning adversity is consuming them. About 10-30 percent of the time people will manage the adversity. Very rarely (five percent) do people and their enterprises truly harness it.

The ultimate state of zen-like resilience perfection is something I call, “Response Ability,” which I define as, “Your ability to respond optimally to whatever happens the moment it strikes.” That means naturally harnessing the force of adversity provides to fuel a deeply enriching and rewarding life. This is the highest aspiration.’

How a suicidal bankrupt friend turned his life around

A friend of mine was a shining testimony of how he managed to tackle his adversity head on and eventually gained an invaluable personal victory with a happy ending.

With only secondary education, he turned to doing IT retail business to make it big. He was also doing import and export business and a seemingly sweet deal turned out to be his downfall.

It was a multi million business deal and he took a bank loan to finance it.

It could make him at least a million dollars if the deal went through – smoothly.

The business friend took the stock, declared himself bankrupt and never paid my friend a cent for the deal.

He owed the bank almost $3 million dollars, was declared a bankrupt and lost his IT business in the process.

He hung his head in shame – more out of annoyance at his own naive stupidity than anything else.

For guys, when the ego took a massive hit – it could be potentially devastating psychologically.

My bankrupt friend  hid in his home for many months and even ate his meals in the bedroom. He was a pale shadow of someone who could sign business deals in the millions.

However, he was fortunate enough to have a girlfriend who stood by him – now his wife. They also have a young son.

She visited him often and gave him hope to live on. He later shared that he almost wanted to take his own life if not for the persistent efforts of his girlfriend that helped turn his life around.

He went over to Vietnam to start a business, managed to eventually clear his multi-million debts with the OA/banks and is now working at his thriving business in China.

I must say that my friend is very blessed to have someone who stood by him despite his adversity.  He has reached his pits and almost the end of his life.

For those harbouring suicidal thoughts, having someone who believe and stand by you is most crucial if you want to turn your life around.

It could be a family member or a close friend.

Seeking out support

That is the reason why social workers and counsellors have all along advocate that people in distress speak  to someone about what’s bothering them.

The important thing is they have literally discharge  their problem to someone else when they have talk it out.

It is akin to leaving your problem behind and you walk off a much relieved person after letting go verbally. The problem is still there but it does not feel that burdensome anymore and that is a big relief for many people.

We all know by now that how we perceive our problem is crucial to our well being. If we perceive that being a bankrupt means the end of our world, that thought will torment us until we have shifted in our thinking.

That is probably why speaking to a counsellor helps as often after verbalising out our problem, we realise that the issue is not so serious after all.

The emotional entanglement that goes with the problem often makes it seem larger and more serious.

Over time, when our mind has cleared and we are steadier, we may even laugh at our own predicament.

It is clear that there is much emotional discharge once you talk to someone about your problem.

Women particularly find this theraupetic  as they verbalise much more than men. We all know how  our women folks can gather weekly just to have tea and yak away in a cafe. They feel good doing it regularly and why not?

That is probably the reason why women are more ready to seek out someone to talk away their problems and statistically we all can see that women are less ready to take their own lives than men.

However, men tend to find this theraupetic outlet difficult to master.  They rather turn to the bottle or even abuse substances to numb the emotional pain.

Most men are emotionally shy and have problem connecting with their inner self. In their misery and rage, they can even kill someone as all their emotions are all bottled up.

Most men also never cry even though it is the number one relief for those pent-up emotions.

Men also have a bigger ego and are less inclined to seek help for their problem unless they are forced into a corner.

It is far better, nevertheless,  for men to seek out assistance when the problem is still in its infancy as doing it much later may not be as effective.

It will also take alot more time to help them see things from a different perspective when their thought patterns are already pretty much fixated by the time they start to see a counsellor.

They are also far more impatient  to see results than women when they seek assistance from a counsellor. Most men I know also prefer to see a male counsellor due to the ego factor. Most of our family service centres are still staffed with young women counsellors.

It is hope that more resources can be allocated by our government to help our men who are caught out in many of today’s life stressors.

Conclusion

A life lost to self-destruction often leaves behind a trail of misery and self-blame for  people who are  closed to them.

A church friend, whose ageing sickly father took his own life by jumping off a hospital window many years ago, has yet to come to terms with his eventful death.

She constantly blamed herself for his death and wished that she could do more to prevent his suicide.

People harbouring suicidal thoughts ought to really think about ways to overcome their problems than escaping from them.

As Dr Paul Stoltz has aptly wrote: “Through my past three decades of research on the subject, I’ve learned something shockingly simple: It comes down to one of two things. Over the course of your years, either adversity consumes you, or you consume it. Unfortunately, being consumed by adversity is far more common than truly consuming it.”

Although the job market has improved over the past year, many employers are still reluctant to make a long term commitment to growing their employee rolls until it is clear that a solid economic expansion is underway. They need new staff to handle the increase in orders and customer demands but are loath to hire permanent workers who may have to be cut in a few months if business stagnates. Any reduction in force carries major headaches for a company: employee morale falls, lawsuits arise, precious time is eaten up in non-productive meetings, and severance packages cut into narrowing profit margins.

Their solution is often to rely on temporary agencies to provide needed manpower without any precipitous long term commitment. It is estimated, by a well-regarded labor research group, that fully 25% of the jobs created during the past year have been temporary positions!

How can this work to your advantage?

Working for a temporary agency has some drawbacks but also a number of positive aspects.

The primary negative is the lack of investment in your future. While the hourly wage may be similar, or even better, than a permanent employee would receive, you remain on the periphery of the company’s organization. Temps are often assigned the more routine tasks which require less intensive training. This makes it more difficult for your competence to be recognized. You are not seriously considered for promotional opportunities nor invited to advanced training or management classes.

It also has personal repercussions. You are uncertain how long you will be needed and tend to develop a strong sense of insecurity. After all, your contract could be terminated without warning through a quick telephone call to the agency. Because you want to minimize the emotional devastation of a sudden departure, you tend to avoid becoming too close to coworkers and perform your duties in something of a vacuum, one step removed from the camaraderie of the permanent work team.

All that being said, there are some pretty inviting advantages to exploring temporary assignments.

Within the framework of your long-term career goals, a temporary position nicely fills in that void on your resume caused by a lengthy period of unemployment. It demonstrates to a potential employer that you are an individual who is vested in being productive even under circumstances where your true talents are barely tapped.

Temporary agencies seldom require extensive background investigation so if there is a blip or two on your work or personal record, it will probably be overlooked. When a future permanent position presents itself, the more distant the blip, the less weight it will carry in the hiring decision.

Entering a workplace as a temp puts you in a very different framework than any mere applicant for work. You become privy to the company’s ethics and philosophy so you can better determine if this is somewhere you would be interested in for permanent work. If you find the atmosphere comfortable, you will perform well. Assuming that the company is growing, and the local economic expansion continues, you are in an excellent position to be considered for permanent retention.

Many employers see temporary workers as individuals undergoing a lengthy interview. After weeks or months of good productivity, timeliness, consistent attendance, and reliability, you no longer present the risks attached to the hiring of new employees after only an hour or two of interviewing. Many agencies will let you know in advance that this is a “Temp to Perm” assignment, meaning that if you cut the mustard, you will be offered a permanent position.

On the other hand, if you find that company goals and procedures are at odds with your personal values, you can get out before any commitment is made. Since your employer is actually the agency, you can cut and run from any assignment without it impacting your work history. You take a different position through the same agency and your resume is unflawed by your decision to make a change.

Assuming that you are working in an industry of interest, temporary work provides an invaluable opportunity for networking. Make the effort to get to know your new coworkers and it is highly likely that they either know of opportunities in similar companies or know someone who has such inside information.

Finally, there is the old saw of “Everyone wants to hire you when you’re working but no one is interested when you’re unemployed.” There is certainly a grain of truth in that rather cynical observation. No matter how bad the local economy may be, or how the effects of offshore job flight have affected your industry, there is always a little kernel of doubt in an interviewer’s mind: what did you do wrong to lose your job? Could you possibly have been fingered because you were the weak link? Was the choice of you, over someone else, related to interpersonal or disciplinary problems that made you an easy target?

When you are actively working, even if only on a temporary basis, such doubts don’t even enter an interviewer’s mind. They are more concerned about whether you will be willing to make a change – a point of speculation that bodes well for you in a potential hiring situation.

If you are offered alternative permanent work, you are sitting in the proverbial catbird’s seat. You can accept the position if you find it tempting. You can decline if you don’t think it’s a good fit, knowing that you still have your temp job to keep food on the table and allay that desperation of “I’ll take anything” that sets in after a few months out of work.

And, finally, you have the option of going back to your temp work and letting your present boss know that you have been offered a position elsewhere that you are seriously considering. If the company likes you, let them negotiate a counter-offer and then go with the best opportunity for you.

Mr Wei Chan sharing with the group of participants

Twenty participants turned up for the networking session on 20th Jan at 2.30pm at Chatter’s Cafe.

The turnout was a pleasant surprise as half an hour before, there was  a sudden heavy downpour.

My heart sunk as normally Singaporeans will not brave the rain for such events.

Transitioning.org has all along held regular networking sessions and we invited speakers from all walks of life to speak to us.

We are priviledged to have three enthusiastic speakers who took turns to charm the small audience.

First to take off was Mr Wei Chan – owner of a few cafes in Singapore. This was his second time speaking with us as he also shared at the Quality Hotel event way back in September last year.

In his usual penchant articulate style, Mr Wei shared with us his entrepreneurial journey and what he saw in jobseekers looking for work.

” Don’t show me your paper qualifications but tell me what you can add value to the organisation,” Mr Wei challenged his audience – some of whom are out looking for work.

Young, successful and energetic, Mr Wei is the current group of Generation X businessmen who did well when they ventured out on their own.

Mr Wei ended  by sharing how he wanted Singapore to view foreign workers and foreign talents differently.

“Foreign talents are the ones that rob Singaporeans of work but foreign workers are here to do the jobs that Singaporeans dislike,”

Mark the cab driver showing off his speaking skills

Next to share is Mark who is in transition for close to seven months.

Armed with powerpoint, Mark went about in his crispy way sharing how he ended up driving cab for a living.

“The job suits me as I like people and it gives me the chance to me of service to them.”

“I want them to sit in my cab and feel relaxed so I switch on some soft music for them to hear.”

“Sometimes, they shared with me their problems and I listened to them – its the closest I felt to being a counsellor!”

I have always joked to Mark that LTA may one day hire  him to do recruitment talk for cabbies for them!

Mark also brought along some pineapples tarts which he made  every Chinese New Year and we chewed on the yummy pastries as we listened to his sharing.

It is people like Mark who provided me the motivation to  soldier on for the jobless community here in Singapore.

Sometimes, the burden of the work is so heavy that I almost wanted to throw in the towel a few times.

Very often broke and sometimes sued by companies for articles we posted on the  blog, it is a thankless job whereby the route is lonely and very much less travelled.

There is no SOP to follow and you have to chart your own compass on which direction to take when tackling the thorny issue of unemployment.

We don’t mind locking horns with the government but we do need lots of encouragement and funds out there so that we have the necessary ammunition to fight on a level footing.

The flood of emails requesting for assistance also increase a fair bit lately – a bad omen that things are already not very positive on the job front.

Next to share is Mr Leong Sze Hian – a surprised speaker who emailed me a few hours before the event.

A noted speaker and a very eloquent one too, Mr Leong shared off the cuff firstly  on his radio programme whereby many jobless people also became financially distressed.

Using lots of anecdotes, Mr Leong encouraged the group to be independent and try not to panic when there is financial problem.

” Go and talk with your MP, CDC and the self help group,” he encouraged.

“Don’t be shy and don’t let the ego thing hampers you from seeking proper help.”

He also added that a jobless person could not really job search properly if he is always worrying about money issue.

His best punch line is: “Don’t look down on yourself and always look up. Go for jobs that are always in tandem with your skills and do not believe that you should go lower if you can’t get what you want.”

We ended with a 15-minute Q and A session whereby the three speakers took questions from the floor.

I was glad that the session went smoothly and  the participants chatted after the event to network and encourage one another.

Transitioning.org will organise more of such networking events in future and hopefully jobless Singaporeans will benefit from such sessions.

Written by: Gilbert Goh

2. Mr Wei Chan

Business F & B owner. Mr Wei is the owner of a few cafes and is on the look out to expand regionally. He is passionate in his food business and will share with us some tips on entrepreneurship.

3. Mystery speaker

We have one of our own mystery speaker who was in transition for well over 12 months before he caught the light a few months back. He will share on his struggles while in transition and how he came out of the dark tunnel.

Editor’s note: This article first appeared here on 21 Jun 2009. 

Should you grab any job that comes along?

Written By: Gilbert Goh

Should you grab any job that comes your way after being retrenched? Many I know will try to go back to their same profession and some even seek out the same position they last held with similar pay scale without any consideration for other position that they are unfamiliar with. So what should the unemployed do here?

I guess this is a personal issue and also largely depend on how long the person  has being unemployed. Some have a large sum of savings and can hold on for many months whereas others could not even go unemployed for a month. Depending on how desperate you are, you are the best judge of the situation.

Those who held senior position before  seem to take much longer time to find employment.  Senior management staff and chief executive officers tend to find it harder to find their next job especially in a very depressed job market even though their salary request is much reduced. I have seen senior managers earning $5,000 to $6,000 during the 1997 downturn turning to driving taxis to make ends meet. Their sacrifice and humility earn my utmost respect and I salute them! They are role models for the many unemployed people who may still be fussy about their job selection.

Easier To Land Part Time Work

Generally blue collared and clerical staff will find it easier to get employment as firstly such jobs are in demand and secondly their salary request is within market range.  Many   will  be able to find  work   if they are not too choosy. However, this is all so personal and what is gem to one may be trash to another. I have known some members here who are doing telemarketing for $7.00 an hour happily of which some will shy away from due to various reasons best known to the individual.

So should you take up any job that comes along regardless of the salary and job scope just so that you can go back to being employed again and lead a normal life? Our government has asked us to lower our expectation and just work first so that we are out of the misery. There is some truth there as the longer one stays jobless the worse the situation will become unless one has alot of backup funds. Even with an attractive severance pay out, many retrenched executives lost alot of self confidence as they sit at home doing nothing. Their family members also have to cope with daddy suddenly hanging around their neck 24/7.

Yet for others, the retrenchment may come at a wonderful time especially for mothers. A transitioning member gladly took out ten months of severance pay out and spent precious time at home now tending her two young kids.  After knocking off at 9pm daily for the last ten years, she found meaning in her life again with new found freedom at home. Her kids are also happy that mummy is finally at home now waiting for them instead of the maid. She may need to readjust her work philosophy having find so much meaning in life after staying at home for the past few months after being retrenched.

Lifestyle Change

Personally,  I find that we all need to lead a more balanced lifestyle in busy Singapore.  Too many of us have worked too hard in our jobs and this have cause us to lose touch with our family members and even ourselves.  We all need to work less and live simply so that we can find meaning in our existence. Many have told me that they felt  they are merely robots living meaninglessly in our stressful society. I agreed with them.

On another note,  some may want to just take up any jobs for the money. This is a practical society that we live in. Bills need to be paid and the home mortgage has to be paid on time.

Financial advisors have advise us,  as a rule of thumb,  that one should set aside at least six months of living expenditure for emergency use. However, speaking from my experience, a minimum sum of twelve months to eighteen months seem reasonable as one can stay jobless for one to two years against one’s choice. There is no fixed unemployment term unfortunately. Some I know have stay jobless for more than two years. Others longer.

Others may also ask if they can strike out on their own if they have some capital set aside for such a purpose? I say why not? Retrenchment always provide us the opportunity to try something new and we may succeed. The only caution I give is that if the business venture fails (which it may) what is your next option? Many who have dumped all their savings or severance pay into starting a new business venture get themselves burn and end up worse off than before. I would advise one who is keen to start a new business venture after being laid off to also set aside at least twelve months of expenditure sum so that there is something to fall back on in the event that the business really fail. We don’t plan to fail but if we fail to plan for contingency we are in for real trouble. It is good to be kaisu sometimes.

Career Change

What about a total career change? Again why not? I speak from experience again. I was working in the financial sector for around 5-6 years earning around $60,000 a year on average before going away. As I was all along keen in the social service sector, I thought I was ready for a career change. However due to the extremely low salary range I put it off my priority job search list as I realise that I could not maintain my lifestyle with the kind of salary I am getting. For a start, social workers are paid less than $2,000 a month and quotes of $1500 is not uncommon.

Nevertheless, after many months of unemployment and an recurring interest in that sector, I decided to plunge right in starting at $6.50 an hour as a part time worker in a family service center. After several months as a part timer, I was offered full time contract employment with a starting salary of less than $1500. I stayed with the center for less than a year before venturing out to another welfare organization managing to acquire a salary of $2500. Though it was less than half of my previous pay as a financial advisor, I was able to pay my bills and manage a reasonably decent lifestyle. What lessons have I learnt here?

Firstly, I should not have wait so long for the right job and salary to come along. By waiting, I wasted precious time and potential lost of income. The mental stress that I have acquired from the wait far outweighed the real loss in income and status of the new job. If I can do this all over again, I will follow my heart and seek out those jobs belonging to the social service sector. As such jobs do not pay well and many people shun them as dirty jobs, Singaporeans have a lot of choices if they don’t mind the salary range. Many people who are retrenched in the 40s and 50s are all doing well in the social service sector.

Secondly, it gives me a lot of satisfaction knowing that my job creates an impact on someone’s else life. Accountants and lawyers have known to throw away their five figure salary and spend their time in the social service sector. The job satisfaction they get far outweigh the huge loss in income and social status. Many have not regretted the big sacrifice and some even have to downsize their lifestyle in order for them to survive on the meager salary they are getting as social workers.

Commission Paying Jobs

Many people I know went into the commission-based industries such as property, insurance, stockbroking and multi level marketing (MLM). Many have done extremely well and regained back their self esteem. Some are smart enough to even go for taxi licensing first in preparation for any economic layoff – more like a backup plan. To these people, I saluted them as they are more prepared than others who can only watch when it is their turn to get laid off.

I remembered I went into the insurance business in 1994 and was making a reasonably decent living till 1999 before I ventured out for my study abroad. The income I made during those five years was equivalent to my ten years of service with the government as a civil servant. So if you are jobless, commission-based job is worth a try and you never know if you can do it or not without trying first right?

As commission-based jobs do not have a base salary one needs to ready for at least three months of no income as industries such as insurance advisors need to clear a few certification courses before they can start to sell. For property agents, the wait for the first paycheck may be a good half year down the road as clients only pay up when the deal is officially closed. There are also marketing advertisements to pay and other industry-related necessary cost to bear. Those with big backup finances have an obvious advantage here.

So, it is good to try out new opportunites but going in with eyes open is equally important. It will be disastrous to try out for a year without really making any headway in the full-commission  industry and  ending up worse off than before.

Nevertheless, there is no gain without risk here.
It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves. Sir Edmund Hilary

This article was first published here on Aug 2009.

Eight Tips for Living While Unemployed

A few days ago, I found myself jobless.

It’s too complicated to explain the whole situation, but suffice to say, it left me feeling anxious and sad. I did what I could to resolve the situation but it was all in vain.

During these  past few days, I took   the following steps  to make me feel better.     I can look back on  my days with satisfaction and I find myself moving forward with hope.

1. Exercise.

I exercise  to manage my mood, it calms me and also energizes me at the same time. You don’t have to exercise that rigorously to achieve good positive health effects. For example, jogging 3-5km thrice a week will do you much good.

2. Do something nice for someone else

Try doing something special for someone which not only surprises them but you will feel good too.
For example -  e-mail someone directly  rather than simply forward the message that you find useful for them. Drive your partner to work. No car, no problem, ride and  commute with him/her.

3. Stop thinking back

No matter how bad the situation was, you just have to move forward, not backwards. Even if someone did you wrong, wrote nasty e-mail to you, just let it slide and move on with your life.

4. Connect with someone important to you

Could be a long-lost friend/contact. Who knows, they may just have something in the pipeline for you.

5. Tackle something which you’ve been putting off

Attacking and crossing off items on your to-do list, you may want to clear your room, throw out unnecessary things and realise you have the power to make space. I know cos I just did it!

6. Do something silly, whacky, out-of-character

This is the time to explore and try different things!

7. Be yourself, be true to who you really are

Getting out of the corporate suit and pretentious ways. Now at least you don’t have to ‘carry’ b***s.

8. Go to sleep early

Getting enough sleep is simply underrated. Most of us simply sleep too little, causing us to be short-fused and lose productivity in the process. Sleep your troubles away. Everything looks better in the morning.

Harry

Writer was retrenched few days ago from an IT company. This would be  his third time out of work.

This article first appeared here on 20 May 2010.

7 Ways To Move Out of Depression For The Unemployed

Written by: Gilbert Goh

This article  is specially written for  those who think that they have hit the end of the rope. They have done everything possible but they are still jobless and worse their finances are really down to the last few hundred dollars. They have no where to turn to and there is the feeling that the earth is sinking below them. So what can the unemployed  do now? They have tried all government agencies, job search companies and even conscientiously apply for a hundred jobs a day but all to no avail.

They also have problem sleeping and relationship with the wife has reached rock bottom. The thoughts of ending it all keep coming back as it is really tough to hang in there. You have also given up on job searching as the situation seems hopeless. When will I ever get a job? You wondered for the hundredth time and you wish that you never wake up to another day of aimless wandering. Sounds familiar?

I understood how you feel as I have hit that wall before, several times in fact, during that  20 months of joblessness during the Sars period. I have introduced 7 quick steps here, successfully tried by me, to ease those anxiety and calm the jittery nerves:

Pysche yourself up

I psyched myself up by thinking that the situation now has no where to go but up. The bottom is breached and it could not go anymore worse. According to the laws of nature, what goes down must bounce up eventually. So be hopeful. Psychologists termed this cognitive behavourial theory – in simple terms – thinking differently on a similar situation often in positive language. The mind is wired to think how we want it even though the situation is the same. How we think often can change our perception and approach. For example, a car can pull out in front of you suddenly when you are driving causing you much displeasure. The natural instinct is to think about what a damn lousy driver he is and having no disregard for other road users. However, another way to think is that he may be having a bad day and may even be rushing off to see someone urgently in need of his assistance. The latter thinking will likely to soothe our emotions and even cause us to be more understanding of others.

Positive self talk

I keep talking to myself a lot during those times as positive self-talk really help me a lot especially during my daily jog. AS there is no one looking during my run round the track, I could talk to myself a lot as I sprung through the track without others thinking that I have gone cukoo. Stuff like “Things are going to get better for you so hang in there!” and “You are doing great despite the odds! Cheer up!”

Doing something that you like

Doing something that you like also helped to restore the positive mood. If you like to fish go for it as it will soothe your mind and bring peace to your heart. For me, my daily jogging regime activates a lot of positive vibes within and often I became energetic after that even though I have a pretty lousy day earlier.  I was looking forward to my run daily and it kept me alert and active. So do something regularly that releases energy within you. The body is tie to the mind and vice versa. So go ahead and do  something that you like whenever you feel like it. Being jobless does not mean that you have to daily coop up at home. Many I know feel guilty when they go out of the house. This is so wrong and may in fact contribute to your depression.

Seek solitude

Sometimes it is good to go to some places where you can just be yourself without the kids and people round you. You need time on your own to sort things out. In bustling Singapore, this may seem an impossible task but I have found some places that I ventured to when I need some space. For example, the east coast park is virtually empty during those early afternoon hours and I like to go there and sat at the cliff and watch those waves crashing near the beach wall. It is so theraupatic and I have lost count of the number of times that I have took the long walk from my home to seek solitude in the beach. So go out and look for some quiet spot of your own where you can read or simply  soothe your troubled spirit. Solitude should be a good friend of the jobless here.

Listening to music

Music has always being lauded to have a calming effect on a person’s mind and emotion. I like the Swedish pop group Abba and their music has been played countless times at home to soothe my nerves. Sometimes I sing along with them and my heart went gaga after that. During long MRT train journey, I brought along my ear phone and listened to soothing music on my handphone MP3 player. Never doubt the power of music on the mind. “Dancing Queen” still works magic when the times are down!

Talking it out

Pouring out my frustrations and fears to someone has always being a great relief for me. You can call your best friend out and I am sure he won’t deny you the chance to let you share with him all your burdens. We are all build not to be alone but to live our life in union with other people. Pouring out our woes and miseries to someone does work and we always feel that we can  live on with our troubles after that. The unemployed can email me at gilbert@transitioning.org and we will arrange someone to help you out. Never bear all your problems alone. Learn to be humble and share them out with someone.

Prayer works

During the night, I also talk to my God a lot who comforted me during those down time. After that,  I felt assured that I am not alone. If you have a religion, learn to talk to your God. You be surprised the relief you can get after that. We need to feed the soul with a lot of positive stuff and affirmation.

During crisis times, the support system needs to be rekindled again as this is not the time to be all alone by yourself. We all need one another to survive and you have to learn to put the ego thing away and seek help. Who knows, the friend who gives you his shoulder to lean on may in turn need your assistance when he faces his own personal crisis in future. So it is a two-way thing.

Being jobless is bad enough but staying unemployed all on your own for a prolonged period can be devastating both to the mind and soul. You need to prepare yourself as though you are fighting a battle as it is like a war-zone and there are casualties. So stay prepared and sober and never underestimate unemployment’s destructive power.

Many people have overcome similar crises in their life and they have came out of the situation victorious and stronger. Many cancer survivors I knew are more battle-readied having gone through hell themselves fighting for the right to survive. Their adversity quotient rose a few notches and their outlook of life also change. They are more relational and learn to smell the roses along the way instead of rushing through life.

The same can happen to you if you do not give up on yourself. You will be more steady and matured and often could even, in future, provide a firm helping hand to those who are going through similar crises. Transitioning.org came about because someone went through a hard time when he was jobless for 18 months. He wanted to provide a helping help to those going through similar situation as he had.  I am sure by now you know who that person is.

Also, guard the hope element within you well as if a person loses hope he loses everything. Above all else, life is still worth living. The storm will pass over one day and a rainbow will appear at the end of the storm. Many people have come out of this crisis alive and stronger and so can you. There is positive value in adversity. Of course, you can only benefit from it after going through the hard times and that can be bewildering for many.

So if you think that you have that  end of the rope feeling,  tie a knot and hang in there or simply email me at gilbert@transitioning.org. We are always here to help you out.

Self-discovery is the secret ingredient that fuels daring. Grace Lichtenstein

This article first appeared here on Aug 29, 2009

7 Ways To Come Out Of Prolonged Unemployment

Written by: Gilbert Goh

Many readers I met have been out of work for many months. Many also experience joblessness  lasting more than a year. One I met was jobless for more than 2 years surviving on his savings and doing odd jobs along the way. As a guide, people who are out of work for more than 9 to 12 months are deemed to belong to this prolonged unemployment group. Aparently, there is a sizeable proportion of the working population that belongs to this troubled group – mostly in their 40s and 50s.

As many as 50,000 people who are out of work may have fallen into this jobless category causing much headache to the government.

The technical word for this group of workers is long termed unemployed (LTU). Many of them are mainly retrenched workers, axed during the recent global financial crisis, and came  saddled with obsolete skills and have difficulty adjusting to a new economy.  Many will  need to upgrade their skills to prepare themselves for a second career with lower salary expectation and having to start all over again like a new kid on the block.

Having stayed jobless for 18 months during the Sars period personally, I could empathsize with the LTU’s  situation. You send out hundreds of job applications weekly and interviews that you attended all turned out fruitless. Every time you don’t hear from any employer after another interview, your self confidence took a step back.  Your head hung lower and you wonder whether if you are destined to stay jobless forever. That thought did come to me as the world seems to go pass me. It was a tough period and people in prolonged unemployment needs alot of resolve and mental strength to hang on.  Self esteem is at an all time low and it takes alot of self confidence to ignite the engine again. The mind also works slower when one is out of work for a long period.

However, readers who belong in this category  can find solace in my situation as I have moved out of this tag and are very much a better person after that awful period.  I have learned to be more flexible than before and very opportunistic. It is as if my honing radar is very switched on now to look out for opportunistics.  I remembered I took on a life-changing opportunity to work and teach in China only after a short discussion with my wife. Prior to that, I would not even entertain such thoughts more out of not wanting to come out of my comfort zone than anything else. I also became more resilient as a result of that prolonged period of joblessness. Something happened during that period and I could feel that something inside of me has changed. I am sure many people in prolonged unemployment will agree with me on this.

Unfortunately, people in a state of prolonged unemployment tends to be comfortable wherever they are. It is not that they want to stay unemployed, it is just that the whole mental and physical being have adjusted to being not working. They may also follow a routine that after a long while may take alot of discipline to  come out of it.  Lets face it – if possible we won’t want to work as it can be boring and stressful especially in our suffocating working culture. Some who left their former work places in acriminous circumstances also have this phobia to return to the work force. If possible, they want to enjoy the peace and quiet at home living simply with whatever savings they have so far.

I have listed seven ways to come out of prolonged unemployment. For some of us, unless we are desperate financially, we will take our time to return to the work force. Prolonged unemployment can also be bad for our social well being as no one can feel that they are plugged into the society if they continue to live their life alone at home all day. While we work we also intreact with our colleagues enhancing our social well being and self esteem. Nothing beats doing a hard day’s work and being able to see the fruits of our work at the end of the month when we stand behind the ATM machine.

LTUs need to believe in themselves once more or else no one else will believe in them. Alot needs to come from the inside.

1. Make a decision to return to the work force

Though jobless for 18 months, I have taken up several short term contracts doing telemarketing. Lasting between one to three months, such jobs have given me much needed financial resources and broke the monotony of staying at home. It also helps to keep your mind in shape.

People in prolonged unemployment can look for short term work to get by – at least to get out of the house for a period on a regular basis. Many short term work can  be located through telemarketing companies, recruit agencies and newspaper advertisement.

I got two telemarketing contracts from the newspaper advertisement and proved to be a life saver for me as if not I would be a living cocoon stucked at home.

A reader in prolonged unemployment situation  told me that he helped out at his mother’s egg stall regularly and this has helped him used up  the free time  wisely. The time spent  at the stall also helped him to bond more with his ageing mother.

So, make a decision to return to the work force and doing short term contract job may be the start that you need before taking off. Very often, what the mind sets out to do will be accompanied by active participation of the body and emotion.

2. Know what you want for yourself

Our government has always advocated that the unemployed  go for upgrading skills to be more job-ready but what is the right training programme for someone who is jobless already for a year or two?

Our retraining programmes, such as those initiated by e2i and CDCs, are all heavily subsidised and many merely pay not more than 10% of the course fee.  Training allowance is also avaluable to those who are in need and it seems that this is a heaven-send initiaitve benefitting the unemployed.

However, to my shock, I realised that many who  attended our retraining programmes are actually  not really jobless. Many training programmes are attended however by workers sent by their companies as there are no work to be done at the work places. Workers attending such upgrading courses have their pay tab picked up by the government saving companies from retrenching them in the process as there is no work to be done at the companies.

LTUs can still benefit from retraining programmes by asking themselves what do they really want to do for a second career? At the age of 40s to 50s, many may  have realised that the best money making days may be behind us. We can only hope that we can do something that we like now. Work should now become a joy rather than a chore. Though some of us still have to support our family, one should adjust to a lower salary range and scout out whatever limited opportunities available in the job market.

Do not follow the crowd when it comes to attending upgrading courses. I see some readers all rushing into one particular course that has a long waiting list only to regret taking it later. Many simply sign up for the course when their friends are also doing it. Many have also used it as a networking opportunity.

I wanted to be in the social service all along and when I decided to upgrade it was not a difficult decision for me. I worked part time in a family social service and tooked on a certificate in counselling – sponsored by the company.

I later worked towards a diploma in psychology – also sponsored by another company. After that, I earned my graduate diploma in social science on my own never wavering from my dream. Soon after, I founded a non profit organisationing  – Transitioning.org,  helping many to transit during unemployment. It is now a registered NPO with the registrar of societies.

LTUs need to spend some time going through what they really want for themselves. They need to go through what is available in the market and look for a match. When the whole process is to help in the pursuit of a dream never can dissuade the person from achieving his passion.

Readers who have difficulty finding their passion can email me and I see how I can help you here.

3. Get family involvement

My family helps me alot during the long period that I was unemployed. They stood by me and never ceased to push me out to take up any job. I know many wives who will nag and harass their husbands to take up a job even though they dislike them. Some husbands have no choice but to desperately hunt for a job just to avoid their wives’ nagging routine.

LTUs should discuss with their family members their life goal – what they want to do and how they can accomplish them along the way. Unless husbands talk to their family members about  their plan,  one can’t really blame them for mistaking that he is just a bump that refuses to work!

Suffice to say, a family that is supporting and encouraging, can help to put an LTU back on his feet again faster than one who has poor support.

With a low self esteem and some  not even have enough left in their tank to push on for another mile, family support is vital for LTUs to get their feet back again in the work force.

4. Find support from fellow LTUs

The human race is a particular species that find solace in gathering together. They can progress remarkably well if they can find the relevant support from the community. Their problem seems lighter and easier to solve if they can that they are not alone with their own problem. Many others have also face the same issue and have overcome them before.

I was fortunate to have strong support from my own church group who never failed to encourage me along the way. There were alsosome friends that I count count on for morale and financial support. To these days, I have never forgotten about their generiosity and they were one of the main reason why I could escape unscathed from those dark days. Of course, it took a lot of humility for me to open up my situation to them. One key element for LTUs to find support is to humble themselves first and not allow the ego to take precedence here.  When you do your part the rest will ultimately follow. That is the law of the nature I guess.

Too many fellow LTUs I found tend to keep their problem to themselves. Perhaps, it is our Asian culture that inhibits sharing of our problem to others. Of course, many well meaning friends when you share with them your problem,  also took the wrong discourse and dispensed solutions to them. All LTUs simply need is a good listening ear and that the friend is always there whenever he needs to unload off his chest.

5. Learn to find your life’s mission

As LTUs normally are in their 40s – 50s age group, I am sure that many want to do something that left a ever lasting legacy behind – there are simply not many days left when we will depart from this world. Like many here, I am not really into money making when I gew older.

Suffice to say, some will not have this luxury of choosing something that they like to do as financially some will need to take up any job to get by for their family members.  For this group, survival over takes their intrinsic interest work wise.

I want to do something intangible – stuff that touches people lives. Call me sentimental or silly but there are things that I do these days that do not make my professional resume looks good anymore.

By running this non profit organisation full time, I have not drawn an income for many months and in fact I have to give away cash to people who are more in need than me. Many of us attached our work to an income and this is only right. we all should be paid for an honest day of work. I have also duplicated some of the things that I have done in Singapore to Sydney right now. We just started a support group in Sydney on 28 Aug and it was a dream came true. Though the group only has four participants on the first session, I  resolved to ensure that the group will carry on and hopefully more people in transition will join us.

There will be those out there who may want to do some meaningful voluntary work that does not pay at all or simply paying peanuts. Of course, some breadwinners will be unable to work in such jobs due to practical reasons.

There are many needs out there that require someone who dares to sacrifice themselves so that they will left a legacy behind. Too many of us live our life too flippantly when we can, through some serious planning, curve out a meaningful career for ourselves benefitting many people along the way.

6. Do things that help boost the self esteem

I  understand that many LTUs battle depression and often a low esteem. Some have alot of  self doubts about their abilities and a few may need lot s of affirmation before they can go back to the work force. Many who are being retrenched often blame themselves for not doing a good job when this is furthest from the truth. Some employers have no choice but to retrench staff as there is no work to be done. Marketing and sales staff are always the first to go and the “last in first out” philosophy often happens to new staff. Questioning your capabilities when you are being laid off is both unnecessary and self harming. The soonest one stop the self harming game the better it will be for the recently laid off. If not, they will wallow in self pity and join those in the LTU group.

As they wake up daily to a meaningless routine and staying very home-bound, many even hate to go downstairs for fear that some may enquire on their work status. Every well meaing enquiry frim a good neighobur is a stab to their self image and confidence.

I have met many LTUs in my work here to realise that the longer one stays unemployed, the worse the situation gets. Some even doubts their capability when offered a job – rejecting the offer in the process!

LTUs need to consciously do things to boost up their self esteem. For example, some I know go for the various retraining courses to stay in tune with the market. I find that this is a wonderful way to keep one’s mood in the high as the person is out of the house regularly and he also mixes around with other people in transition. There is support when you mix with people regularly. We are never meant to be alone all by ourselves.

During my period of prolonged joblessness,  I also wrote alot and to date, at least one hundred articles were printed in most of the major newspapers’ forum columns in Singapore.  I also took time to write a book “How to survive unemployment” and am embarking on my second book now.  Thus, we all can make good use of the extra time on hand to do something that we have no time to do all along.

In this aspect, e2i has done a wonderful job of allowing people in transition to attend their many short courses almost free of charge. A friend went for a one-day executive worshop for PMETs (professional, managerial, executive and technician) and continued with other sort term courses that lasted a few days. He also got to know others in transition and have being able to gain from their support.

7.  Set a deadline on when to go back to the workforce

For LTUs,  it is always good to set a deadline on when you can get back to the workforce. Often, what the mind sets out to do is accompanied by active participation of the body and emotion. For example, if you are jobless for a year, you can set a time frame of another three months of intense job searching so that your vision of landing a job may materialise within the three months.

Conclusion

It is hope that  LTUs can find some solace from this article and learn to move on with their life. It is never good to be jobless for too long. It hurts our pocket, esteem and also may hamper our family’s abiility to support us.  There is a limit to how long our family can hold on when we suffer from prolonged unemployment. Ourchildren will also find it difficult to respect us when we daily stay at home and face the four walls.

This post first appeared here in Aug 2009

Written By: Gilbert Goh

Many people I know have difficulty telling their family members when they received news that  they are going to be retrenched.

The agony of losing their job and the trauma of having to inform their loved ones stress them to the point of a break down. Some primary breadwinners even lie to their spouses that they are still working when they are actually out of work.  They continue to put on their tie and left their home for office as per normal. They then hang out in the library or Macdonald. It is a very sad state of affair if husbands could not tell their wives directly that they are out of work without suffering an emotional heart attack.

It goes without saying that men holding higher offices have much more difficulty revealing the dreadful news of their retrenchment to their spouses as it means a deep dent to their  ego plus their pocket. An impending downgrading of socisl status also means that men feel that they have let their family down.

This is understandable as many have loans to pay and often they are taken with two incomes in mind. When one income is taken out, naturally, the surviving working member will feel the pressure of having to pay for all the household bills and loans. So, many surviving income earner feel the stress and react adversely to the news adding on to the pressure feel by the newly retrenched.

Emotional Trauma of Unemployment

Unless one has substantial savings in the bank account, primary bread winners will mostly face an emotional battle to reveal the dark truth to their loved ones. This is more so for men who often earn more and are dependent on for household bills and other loan repayment. The role of the primary breadwinner changes now and this often stress out the surviving income earner. Both husband and wife now need to sit down and talk out especially on  the financial issues affecting the household. Sometimes, it may even lead to a downgrade of housing and lifestyle. Cars may need to be sold off to leesen out the loan repayment and maid has to be laid off. Without discussing properly and leaving things to chance, the marriage is doomed for major repercussion.

A friend of mine who is going to be retrenched soon has yet to inform his wife about his impending job loss. He is waiting for the right moment and has meanwhile dropped her alot of hints hoping that the pre-warning will soften the blow when the news are broken to her.

Another friend has informed his wife about his job loss but was prevented from telling his in-laws to save face. As the in-laws are all doing well, the wife felt that informing them will somehow tarnish their good image. This friend lamented that  he felt lousy whenever his parents in law asked him about his job and he has to lie as if he is still working. His wife’s constant harassment about his job search also stressed him out alot and he has told me that it is worse than not having a job.

He has to take on any job more to satisfy his wife’s constant pressure than anything else. This is so wrong and unnecessary.

So how can we best break the bad news to our loved ones when  the company has informed us of the job loss?

Ways To Inform Your Spouse

Firstly, never feel that you are at fault at work. Your job loss is not tied to your work performance.  It is the ailing economy that is the cause of your  retrenchment. Your reaction to the job loss will impact how you feel and may even affect your re employment opportunities. Someone who takes to retrenchment positively will approach the situation with the right attitude and often picks himself up faster than one who reacts negatively.

Many people also feel lousy when they are axed.  Some take it out on their family members especially when they feel emotional about the loss initially.

Next, prepare to  inform your loved ones at the appropriate time. It is good to drop strong hints along the way but there is always the need to inform our spouses directly.  They need to hear from us however ugly it may be.

Couples need to have the aptitude to go through a relationship in both good and bad time.  Many only go through a relationship when things are doing well but turn the other way when things go awry.

I have witnessed how spouses, especially women, gave their husbands the cold shoulder when they announced the retrenchment news. Some even pressured them to take up any job just to avoid  gossiping from  relatives and neighbours.

Bad News Test Of One’s Marriage

I find that this is so wrong and spouses need to adopt an encouraging approach when  their men break the bad news to them. It is also a good opportunity for the couple to hang in and support one another when the chips are down. Relationships often come out stronger when the couple manages to emerge out  a fiery situation such as an illness or a retrenchment.

Often, it is also a test of one’s relationship thermometer. How much you have invested in the relationship will be   tested when there is any setback which will disturb the harmony of the household. Those who have spend time and effort in building up the relationship often  find that they have a supportive spouse. by their side when things go wrong. As they have sow in the marriage when things are well, they will reap back much more in return when there is a need for it.

Fortunately, I have also seen how some wives stood by their men when they  were jobless. There was not a word of malice in their tone throughout their unemployment period and it was a journey that they decided to go through together. As the greadwinner role switched, wives did not chided their husbands for not bringing in the beacon which may further dampen the self esteem of the guy. They decided to tighten their belt and go for the jugular and downgrade their lifestyle. The kids could also see that even though they go out less often than before, the love shown at home was love personified. Action speaks louder than words here.

So, when the time comes for you to annouce the  bad news to your spouse, grind your teeth and  bravely break it out. It is not good to face job loss alone and be isolated in the process. We all need our family to provide us the support.

Conclusion

Frankly, the aftermath is more important as you go through in detail how you are going to organise your finances and left nothing to chance. Try to cover every ground so that there is no misunderstanding.

Moreover, any other adverse news such as a sickness or death of a loved one will also affect a good relationship. It is when we go through a bad patch together that we can grow as a family. What good is it when a family only goes through life with us when things are good?

So never deny the positive effect of bad news. Losing your job may be the best thing that can happen to you and your family. It will cement the love that you have for one another and your relationship will be sweeter than before.

If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never get it.  If you don’t ask the right questions, you’ll always get the wrong answers.  If you don’t take a step forward, you’re always going to be in the same place.  Life is a journey full of choices.  Here are 50 wasteful choices to avoid.

1. Spend time regretting the past and feeling sorry for yourself.
2. Complain about problems and do nothing to solve them.
3. Follow the path of least resistance and quit when the going gets tough.
4. Ignore your passion and follow the money.
5. Setup your lifestyle so it’s dependant on your next paycheck.
6. Spend more than you earn and rack up lots of financial debt.
7. Try to control everything and then worry about the things you can’t control.
8. Focus on what you don’t want to happen.
9. Fear the things you don’t fully understand.
10. Let everyone else make decisions for you.  Don’t decide on anything, ever.
11. Let small issues snowball into big problems.
12. Be jealous of everyone else.
13. Hold onto anger.  Never forgive anyone.
14. Always be right.  Never let anyone be more right than you.
15. Seek external validation before you consider yourself good enough.
16. Make sure everything you do impresses someone else.
17. Lie to yourself and those around you and put up with others who lie to you.
18. Keep doing the same thing over and over again until the day you die.
19. Never finish what you start.
20. Stay in the same place forever.  Never travel.
21. Compare yourself unfavorably to those who you feel are more successful.
22. Belittle yourself and hang out with other people who belittle you.
23. Never learn anything new.
24. Never take responsibility for your own actions.  Blame everyone around you.
25. Don’t let anyone help you.
26. Be suspicious.  Trust no one.
27. Multitask, multitask, multitask!  Do everything at once.
28. Fill every waking moment of your life with commitments.
29. Don’t help others unless you have to.  Do only the things that benefit you directly.
30. Think about all the things you don’t have and frown.
31. Never exercise.  Only eat junk food and fried food.  Let your health rot.
32. Don’t say what you mean.  Don’t mean what you say.
33. Never tell anyone how you feel or what you’re thinking.
34. Never say, “I’m sorry.”  Never say, “I love you.”
35. Get involved in other people’s problems and make them your own.
36. Always put your own needs on the back burner.
37. Make others feel bad about themselves.
38. Watch TV for several hours every day.
39. Do lots of drugs.  Drink lots of alcohol.
40. Don’t play, just work.
41. Let your hobbies go.
42. Let your close relationships go.
43. Take everyone seriously and everything personally.
44. Remember the insults, forget the compliments.
45. Fail to plan.  Always wait until the last minute.
46. Let it all bottle up inside.
47. Always disregard other people’s opinions and suggestions.
48. Dream about your future goals and never take action to achieve them.
49. Fear change and resist it.
50. Work hard, do your best, and then condemn yourself for not achieving perfection.

If you’re guilty of some of the bullet points above, remember, no matter how long you have traveled in the wrong direction you always have the choice to turn around.

Transitioning.org will be conducting a networking  session for those who are in transition at:-

Place: Chatters cafe (wait at Bugis MRT station at 2.30pm if you need direction)

Date: 19 Aug (Fri)

Time: 3pm  to 5pm

Dress code: Casual smart

We realise that people in transition tend to stay at home alot and besides going for interviews, many simply surf the net or watch TV with the extra time. There is also the feeling that you are all on your own.

Its good to come out once a while and network with those who are caught  in similar circumstances.

We are also privileged to have with us someone who is in the translation business. He is here to share with us informally how he starts his  own business and I am sure that we will learn a thing or two from him.

I will also be around to share about my business trip in China recently and provide some tips on how to survive in the Chinese business environment.

So do email me at gilbert@transitioning.org if you are keen to drop by this Friday  event.

See you soon. Cheers!

Gilbert

This article was reproduced here in Jan 09.

Many who visited this blog site I believe will have been  retrenched or preparing for retrenchment. However, it is not the end of the world yet.

The unemployed need to prepare themselves well if they are retrenched. Those with severance package definitely have the upper hand to wait out the prolonged down turn. Those without will face the future with less confidence.

Nevertheless, staying prepared for retrenchment even if one is working now help.

Learn to network more now as retrenchment will hit you without giving you any early warning. Many feel a sense of loss and disengagement when they are laid off. Sometimes shock soon follow the newly retrenched and we all are better off staying lean and prepared for the worse.

Networking

Networking often helps one to face up to retrenchment. For example, if your company is not doing well, it is good to meet up with the suppliers or the clients. Often, they are the ones who will know you more as you have serve them all this while. Sounding them out that you may need their help in the event that you will be retrenched certainly give you a sense of confidence that you have open up a back door for future engagement.

A friend of mine who is an engineer in Sydney was retrenched last year November due to a merger. He was given one month’s notice and access to office facilities after that to help himself to locate for a new job. An employment consultant was also provided for the group of ten retrenched workers to help them with job counselling.

Fortunately, three weeks after been laid off, he managed to find a job that actually belonged to his previous company’s customer. As his track record was good, he managed to get the job after one interview. He also had a pay rasie as the profile was more of a consultant than an engineer. He was of course estatic.

Skills Upgrading

The next thing that you can do is to map out your skills set on a piece of paper and narrow down your job search. Many retrenched workers I felt aim for jobs in all the wrong  places. If you want to teach, go and apply for jobs in the MOE or the many private schools here. If you want to work in the construction sector aims to apply for jobs within that sector. Do not direct your job search all over the shop. Be focused on your search and if necessary talk to a career coach about your skill sets.

Many in their urgency and desperation try to apply for all advertised jobs from newspaper advertisements and fail to get even an interview as their experience and skill set do not commensurate with the job requirements. So remember to apply for jobs that fall within your skills set and experience. Though the hunt may be longer, the interview if granted may go through smoothly as this is the kind of work that you are comfortable with and an interviewer will be able to tell that you are the right candidate from the way you responded to their questions. Applying for a job anyhow will only frustrate you and waste your efforts.

Financial Planning

Do also prepare a financial plan even before you are laid off. Try to check how much you have in your account especially your CPF so that you know how long the balance sum can pay for your home mortgages. The first thing that people are worried about is their home mortgages as this is our basic need – according to Maslow Theory. We all have some basic needs such as housing and food and when these needs are compromised we all suffer some sense of instability. So do go through your budgetting with your loved ones in the event that you are laid off. Staying prepared is key here when unemployment looms.

How long can you last given the current account balance that you have? If one is laid off, how much can the family hold on with your spouse’s sole income? All this need to be sorted out preferably before someone is being retrenched so that you are well prepared.

We all can face joblessness with confidence if we have planned out what we should do after that. Have a plan A and even plan B so that your unemployment phase is not a period of desperate frantic job hunting heading nowhere.

As we all do not have a safety net here in the form of social welfare payout when we are laid off, it makes sense to properly prepare for our finances now for those who are still employed. It will be too late to plan properly when we face unemployment.

Talk To Your Spouse

Speak to your spouse when the pink slip is being delivered to you. Prepare her well in advance if possible  so that she is able to cope when it comes. Women are generally more insecure when her husband – normally the main income earner, loses his job.  There are the bills to pay and mortgage repayment have to go on even if income is not coming in. It can be a destabilising period for the family and also a good test of how resilient your family is in time of trouble.  If your family is able to withstand the pressures of someone losing his job, it can withstand any other storm that will come in the future. Many families pull through the  tough period and emerged much more stronger and firmer. Their relationship also improves considerably after clearing  a major crisis.

Go through your job search planning with her so that she is assured that you are doing your best to be rehired. Continue the family activities as normal as possible so as not to disrupt any current activities.

If there is a need to cut down on services or even lay off the maid, speak to the whole family calmly and explain the reasons why you are doing it.  Family members will understand why you are taking such course of action and will appreciate that you bother to take time to talk to them. Family who stays  strong together to tackle things calmly   will tend to emerge victorious in the end. If possible, minimise conflict and maximise communication during this period.

Seek Help If Necessary

If you think that the situation has overwhelmed you after a while,  learn to seek help if possible. There are church workers, counsellors and even good friends whom you can count on during this tough period.

This is not the best time to let pride deters you from asking people for assistance.  It is also a good time to build up the  relationship with others when you approach them for a listening ear.

Who knows,  your friend will seek your help in future when they are faced with the similar problem. We are all build to help one another here and no man is born to live on an island. By facing your situation all alone, you are also exposed to negative and desperate thoughts .

So lower your pride and seek help.

Conclusion

Staying calm and patient is probably the best anedote  for those who are still currently unemployed. Though the worst may be over for our economy, I know that jobs are still hard to come by. For every job that is advertised on the newspaper, there are at least a hundred applications.  It will take a while before one get rehired. The mind needs to be regularly psyched up through reading and positive self talk.

An average  waiting period of between 6 to 9 months  before one gets rehired is not surprising.

This may sound like a cliche – but learn to treat this period as a test of your inner man. There is no better time to  mould a man’s character than when he is  being place in a difficult situation. After a prolonged period of grinding and rubbing, the person will come out fresher and stronger both in thoughts and action. He is not the same again after going through the trial of fire.

Never dispise the period when you are in the  valley as it is in there that we all learn how to grow. It may change you life as it has changed mine.

Gilbert Goh

“Hey married ladies, answer a question for me — is it really such a chore to have sex with your husband?

I’m one of the many husbands (possibly wives) out there who’s kids tripped over the cord on the sex machine, ripping the plug right out of the wall. That humming and sputtering sound you hear is the machine slowly grinding it’s way to a gear freezing halt, its future destination: the appliance graveyard under the sink where the Salad Shooter currently resides.

Somebody help me out here — what do you do when your partner in life is great in every other way, but is a passion(less) fish in the bedroom? While, you yourself are one serious horn dog? For the sake of the kids, do you suck it up and be unhappy hoping and praying that your sex drive will start to wane? Do you continue to take matters into your own hands until you’ve exhausted every masturbatory move known to man including several you’ve taken it upon yourself to invent? I recommend the “Under the leg, Tiger Claw hold” — patent pending. Do you consider taking anti-depressants just for the libido reducing side effect? Hell, I’m depressed anyway, might as well kill two birds with one stone.”

Like most men in a low- or no-sex marriage, he feels ignored, rejected, desperate and stripped of the love and affection he once shared with his spouse. He literally doesn’t know where to turn. He goes on to say:

“I am a good and considerate lover, always concentrating on her needs in the bedroom. I will happily go down on her for as long as she wants, and when I do the big O hits like a hammer. If that’s the case, why doesn’t she want it more often – I just don’t get it…And no, I don’t look like Quasimodo – I’m actually in good shape, and the same weight I was when we were married o so long ago. And, I’m not one of these dipshit husbands that goes out with his friends to play video games until the wee hours of the morning – I don’t have any interest in an XBOX, I just want my wife’s box. Nope, I get it – I buy her flowers, I do the dishes, I work as a partner around the house. I express affection even when I’m not looking for sex – okay, I pretend I’m not looking for sex. I don’t have a drinking or drug problem, I’m not abusive, and I’m not a lazy piece of shit. No, I have a good job, I’m a good father, I’m reliable, responsible, and a really great guy – apparently humble too. On the weekends I stay with the kids so she can get a break, – I sincerely appreciate what she does for us, but being a stay at home Mom doesn’t give her the right to neglect her husband.”

Most men in sexless marriages feel bewildered and stay in the marriage for other reasons, like children or because they still love their spouse! But the threads that bind them together wear thinner and thinner the longer time goes on, and eventually, something breaks.

Sexless marriages are more than just sexually frustrating. Ultimately, when sex is infrequent or nonexistent, there is an emotional and spiritual connection to one’s spouse that is missing. Working on the problem from the perspective of the relationship is the only way it’s going to get “fixed.” Sex is actually not the problem — it’s simply the way that deeper problems in the relationship are being communicated. Unconsciously and consciously, sex becomes an instrument of control and power in the relationship. And there are always two (or three) sides to the story.

To the author of the Craig’s List posting: If you’re out there, contact me (1-800-709-4709), I want to interview you for my Sun-Times column and encourage you to come get some help, for you and your wife, if you’re still together!

The holiday season screams cheer and happiness — but for countless Americans each year, the season actually brings the uninvited guests of depression and stress. If you, like many others, feel the pressure to have a “perfect holiday,” you may feel overwhelmed by the busy Christmas season. You may find that you are trying to shop, bake, clean and entertain, all while keeping up your regular work and family life. This, and other emotions, can make holidays more stressful than cheery. Instead of the peaceful image of sitting around the fire, many of us find ourselves frazzled and hectic, scrambling to finish presents, crafts, or throw parties at the last minute. 

Even though everyone is different, many people experience holiday depression due to a few common triggers. During the holidays, the stress on relationships become multiplied. Instead of spreading out time with family throughout the year, it seems to get crunched into a few stress-filled days. Relatives might have very high expectations of what you should be doing, where you should be, and how you should act. Misunderstandings and arguments also frequently become intensified during the holiday season. 

On the other hand, if you recently lost a loved one, the holidays may leave you feeling empty and sad and possibly pointless. If a distance separates you from your loved ones, this could also add to the causes of holiday depression. 

Financial stress is another prominent causes of holiday depression. The holiday shopping season urges people to spend more money than they want to, and oftentimes people surpass their budget. The over commercialization of gifts, travel, food, and entertainment can put a stressful strain on your budget. In addition, overspending and wracking up credit card expenses can cause more stress later down the line when you have to repay that debt. 

Another contributing factor to depression is physical exhaustion. From marathon shopping to late-night socializing, your body might be feeling the toll of the season. Even the die-hard holiday enthusiasts may feel wiped out. Exhaustion increases stress and the likelihood of depressive feelings. Regular exercise and sleep are good antidotes for stress but with all the events and tasks during the holidays, these antidotes may take a back seat during the season. 

If the holidays have got you feeling down, try some of these tips to alleviate your sour mood. 

10 Practical Tips to Survive Holiday Depression

Don’t Force Yourself to be Happy 

If you have recently lost a loved one, it is OK to mourn their loss and cry. Forcing yourself to put on a smile and constantly exude high energy will deplete all of your reserves and leave you feeling stressed and depressed. Take a break from the bustle of the season. Superficial cheer will only compound the negative feelings inside. Do not force yourself to be genuine.

Be Realistic 

Nothing can be perfect, so why expect your party or gathering to be? Relax your expectations and do what you can and not what you think you should do. The most important part of a holiday gathering is the family and friends you surround yourself with.

Shop Wisely 

If shopping and crowded malls stress you out, avoid them. You can shop online or try to make a gift for your loved ones. Creating something with your hands can also be a great method to get your mind off your stressors and help alleviate your holiday depression. Don’t put yourself through agony.

Reach Out

If you feel lonely or isolated call friends and family. Don’t wait around feeling left out because no one is calling you. Try to step out of yourself and think of others. Seek out social events. Volunteering during the holidays is a great way to connect with others and feel good while being useful.

Keep to Your Budget 

Much holiday stress is triggered by overspending your money. Buying more than you can afford can cause fear and regret. It will also cause continued stress for months down the line. Although temptation runs rampant during the holidays, stick to your budget as closely as you can to avoid added depression.

Don’t Abandon Your Healthy Habits 

Don’t let the buffet dinners and numerous deserts make you forget what you have been working towards. After the immediate sugar rush, overindulging in food and drink can make you feel guilty and even lower your self-esteem which will only deepen depression. You can try to eat a healthy snack before holiday feasts so you won’t be so tempted to over eat the sugary sweets and high-fat cheeses. Also, make sure that exercise and quality sleep still have a place in your busy life.

Practice Saying ‘No’ 

Saying ‘yes’ when you really feel like saying ‘no’ can cause your to feel resentful and overwhelmed. If you are unable to politely decline an invitation, then maybe you can make up some relaxation time by sitting out another one. People will not be upset with you if you need to take a few hours for yourself. These precious moments can help keep your sanity.

Take Breathers 

Remember that this time of year is suppose to be the season of peace and relaxation. Take 15 minutes for yourself to relax without distractions as often as you need to. You can go for a walk and stargaze or listen to some of your favorite music. You will be surprised to find how effective just a short time alone can be to re-energize you for all the activities you need to do.

Plan Ahead 

Before everything gets out of control, spend a few minutes organizing your plan this holiday season. This might be especially useful if you share your plan with your partner or family and work together. Set aside certain days for shopping and baking as well as spending time with loved ones. This can help prevent the stress of forgetting something important.

Seek Professional Help If Necessary 

Remember that depression is a real disorder that many people seek professional support for and don’t be afraid to as well. If you try to lift yourself up but still feel persistently sad or anxious, fatigued, stressed, have trouble sleeping, suffer numerous physical complaints or feel hopeless, then please talk to your doctor or mental health professional.

Post-Holiday Let Down 

Doctors see more patients for depression in January, after the close of the holiday season, than any other time of year. This developing trend in mental health occurs because the frantic holiday season has finally caught up with you and now you are feeling its toll. People often feel exhausted and disappointed in January because they felt like their holiday season could have been better or they believe they didn’t do enough to make their family happy. By using these tips and reducing the stress of the holiday season, your chances of post-holiday let down decrease.

Adversity Makes Us Stronger

 West Virginia Mountain Trail Runners

Published by kwolpert at 1:59 pm under Running

It’s a catchphrase, a cliché, a figure of speech, but for us runners, it’s often a literal truth.

 Adversity in the form of weather conditions – hot, humid, icy, gale force winds & driving rain – sure, mentally and physically these forms of heavenly adversity make us stronger in some sense of the word.

Adversity in the form of competition makes us stronger too. We out kick a rival and we learn to doubt ourselves less. We lose a race to a young whippersnapper who blew past at the midpoint and we learn something about humility – and we strengthen our will to do better next time. We race to the very end against a proven equal and we can boast a new PR as a results – we are stronger than we were before the race, by the numbers.

 But one of the most fascinating parts of running to me, has always been the way that unrelated adversity – complications in those ‘other’ parts of our lives – makes us better runners. Frustrations with a parent, spouse or boss are vented in the evening run – 5 miles become 10 and 8:00 pace into 6:30s. Irritation over a writer’s block, or an equation that won’t work out right translates into a killer hill workout. And worries about a relationship or a leaky bank account somehow melt away over the course of a longer than planned long run. Those problems? They’ll work themselves out another time. Right now, I’m running – and getting stronger.

 Think back, has a stressful period at work been followed by a sparkly new PR a month later? Complete peace in our lives, our families and our communities is not required for our development as runners.

 Indeed, for decades now, the top echelons of our sport have been dominated by practically anonymous athletes from some of the poorest corners of the earth. Bathed in adversity from the day they were born, we regularly see Kenyan teenagers spit out times on a track – at altitude – that top suburban-bred US elites can only dream about.

 Recent war zones seem to breed strong distance runners in the same way vernal ponds breed spring peepers. How do those frogs GET there in the first place!? Eritrea, Ethiopia, Rwanda, Uganda, South Africa, Russia, the list goes on and on. Social, political and economic adversity seem to combine in a powerful way with the simplicity and accessibility of this sport and the human desire to improve one’s life.

 Adversity of any kind seems to draw out the best in runners, and running often provides an ideal venue for us to release the mental results of adversity.

 The key to using it is recognizing it, so let’s all take a moment to recognize the forces of adversity in our lives. Then let’s harness the activation energy contained within it and channel it to the betterment of ourselves (and our times), our club & our community.