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I am in my early 40s with two beautiful young boys and a beautiful young wife but we are saddled with a huge mortgage.
To cut it short, I am sitting here in the dark at midnight trying to pour my depressed soul to someone out there after a heated financial discussion with my wife.
You see I have been retrenched twice now.
The first one was three years ago from a job I had for over 13 years as a senior software engineer/project leader then found another job as a system engineer/assistant project manager but that too was gone as the company closed down after a year.
I now have been unemployed for nearly over a year and my wife somehow thinks I am not trying hard enough.
Funny, I was afraid of this coming day when I was having a job.
I have read so many motivational books in trying to keep my mind focused and not to give up on job seeking.
It’s hard to believe that with so much industrial and hands-on project support/development experience coupled with a well presented personality - somehow I just couldn’t get a job.
Yes I do have the odd interview but that’s about all.
This does not do my confidence any good as each day goes by and I watch and feel my wife’s pain.
It’s sometimes more difficult to see your loved one’s agonising look than face it all upon yourself.
I am slowly and constantly thinking about a way out.
I know I won’t be able to do it … yes kill myself but lately I am somewhat afraid that my subconscious mind will get the better of me.
I have tried to update my I.T knowledge, taking care of the boys and pretending to act as normal to my wife as I could but deep down inside me I am hurting and losing my pride as the provider.
I kept telling myself to hang on with hope as it is the only thing I got now.
However, this is difficult to maintain as days go by…
I read and re-read section of “ Thick Face Black Heart” to help me to endure this pain.
It seems to help in bit but now I don’t think it is working any more!
So much is dependence on me having a job that I so am scared of my own mind and thought at time especially the last few days …
I hope this nightmare disappears forever.
I don’t understand my luck and how an educated family man can let himself got stuck in this dead end situation …
Thanks for your mail and sorry to hear of your predicament.
Unemployment can be destablising as it makes us feel very insecure especially if we have financial burdens.
I remembered feeling the same as you way back in 2001/02 when I was jobless for 18 months.
However, killing yourself is a short -cut way out of the problem and moreover you leave behind a grieving family who will feel terrible and guilty.
Is this what you want for your beautiful family?
Wives are pretty insecure people especially when you have a home mortgage to pay up.
You can try to talk to the bank as they are not as terrible as people make them out to be.
Mine allowed me to pay only the monthly interest less the principal for six months when I told them about my jobless predicament.
Like you, I also read alot of positive material to psyche myself up during that period but the fears are still real and can be crippling.
However, during that troubling period, I told myself that I will make full use of what I have been through so that the community can benefit from my experience.
I don’t want to let the experience go to waste and could feel that the sufferings though painful can have meaning.
I later started transitioning.org – a support site for the jobless and our services have benefitted close to a thousand people by now.
Why not adopt the attitude of suffering with a meaning?
This way, you can revel in the painful experience as you know that later on when you have found a job, you can contribute back to society by helping those who are unemployed.
My jobless experiences were also as awful as yours if not worse.
I also remembered climbing up to the tenth floor of a HDB block during a very tough period when banks were chasing me for mortgage repayment.
Somehow I was awakened by someone opening her door at the tenth level and soon I realised the severity of the situation.
I later seeked counselling support from a social worker friend and managed to get a PT job from a family service centre.
It is no shame to seek assistance during this tough period and it is good to talk it out with someone professionally.
Is it possible to see you this coming week for a chat at my office?
My address is posted below my signature.
Hopefully, my jobless experience can be a source of support for you.
I have also attached my ebook How to survive unemployment for your reading pleasure.
We are here for you.