Support Site for The Unemployed & Underemployed
Thursday April 24th 2014

Wife unwilling to give up 2 1/2-year-old marriage

 
Hi Gilbert,
 
I chanced upon your website while I was surfing the net to hope to find a solution to my problem.
 
My husband and I  have been dating since we were 18 and we got married about two and half years ago. He worked overseas after we got married and I stayed in Singapore. He came back for good last Sept.
 
As his career is just starting, I was hoping that he can settle his own career and we can start our own family by first with me moving to his place or we find a place of our own.
 
The initial plan was for me to move to his place but later as he said his mum is not easy to get along so we have plan to look for our own place. Subsequently just two weeks before CNY this year, I called him at night to tell him I am going to bed but he blew his top and said I was constantly calling him. The following day I retailated by not answering his calls. We had a huge fight and he told me he do not need a wife. I was devasted but after one day he called again and said that he was sorry and we patched up.
 
During CNY, we went and looked at a EC as his cousin suggested that we do so. But due to some reasons, we are not able to buy the EC.
 
I suggested that we use his iPad during the weekends to look for  resale flats. Then he texted me again and told me he felt that he is better to be alone and wanted to split up. There was no fight at all. Again,  I was devastated.
 
This time he took about 3 days before he said he was sorry and he was depressed. I then suggested that he visited a psychiatrist and he did. But later he did not take the medications as it was giving him side effects. But he promised me that he will visit the psychiatrist again if he does not feel well.
 
One week plus ago, on my birthday, we have planned to go Malaysia to celebrate. But his job has been very busy and he just finished moving office the day before my birthday. I somehow has the idea that he has forgotten about my birthday and I felt very upset.
 
On my birthday,  he texted me and said that we are not going Malaysia as he was not feeling well. Thinking that he has forgotten my birthday, I was very upset and we had a fight.
 
I admit that I am no angel and I was not very understanding. He then told me that he felt that he is not able to give me what I want and suggested that we separate.
 
I should go and find another guy qho  can give me happiness. My heart is broken. I left him alone…
 
Last weekend, I apologised to him and suggested we go out and have some food. But he told me to let him be quiet for a while. I really do not know what to do as I do not want to divorce.
 
I have talked to another counsellor and he told me to give up. But that is really not what I wanted.
 
We have been together for 17 years and I really do not want to just give up like that. During this time, what should I do? Should I just leave him alone and do not bother him at all?
 
Please help.
 
Theresa
 
*******
 
Hi Theresa,
 
Thanks for your mail and sorry to hear about your marital predicament.
 
I know that its difficult to get along together as a couple and for many it is a difficult time  of trying to  please one another..
 
Often,  we have to lower down our own desires and expectations and try to do things with the intention to have a win-win for both parties.
 
Its sometimes tough to compromise what we really want for ourselves and that’s how complications happen in a relationship.
 
It is possible that your husband has being facing some work pressures lately or that he is trying to see how he can adjust to be a person that you can be proud of.
 
For a guy, career is number one and sometiems some men may have over-focus on their career too much to the detriment of their family relationship.
 
The first two years of a marraige is very crucial as adjustment and expectations are sky high and often most people separate during the first 12 months of a marriage.
 
Try to give him some space and do not always discuss complicated issues when you are out. Have some time for romance and dating as when you are married before.
 
Many couples preferred the time that they are still dating as it is less stressful and there are also fewer roles to play.
 
When we are married, we are a spouse be it wife or husband, a father or mum when we have kids , a in-law to our spouse’s family and a provider if  he is a man.
 
All these roles do provide challenges especially when we are still very unstable in our career.
 
Do suggest to your husband about going for marital counselling if possible.
 
It is often difficult for guys to seek counselling support  due to the ego factor.
 
I wish you all the best and do let me know if you want to see our volunteer counsellor.
 
Take care always.
 
We are here for you.
 
Thanks & Warmest Regards,
 
Gilbert Goh

Reader Feedback

3 Responses to “Wife unwilling to give up 2 1/2-year-old marriage”

  1. Sye says:

    Wants a EC……………….

  2. Anon says:

    Have never stayed together as husband and wife ever since marriage 2.5 yrs ago?!? That definitely is not conducive for marriage, especially in the initial years.

    When you get married, your priority should be to your spouse, not to your mother or father. Why not the husband move in with wife’s family for the time being, if he thinks his mother too difficult for the wife?? I stayed with my wife’s family for the first 2 years while waiting for HDB flat to be built, as my parents house was too cramped.

    And the wife is expecting to buy EC as first house?? Unless they are both earning comfortable salaries, then I got nothing to say. Otherwise, she should moderate her expectations. If her character is always to go for the “upper class” or the “good quality” or the “branded stuff” and keeping up appearances to compete with colleagues and friends, then obviously this will put stress on the guy as the pressure is on him to provide the $$$$$$ for these expectations.

  3. charmer says:

    My take is that Theresa’s enjoys her independence and a relationship with her husband provides her with a sense of security. For some reason, ( probably more dellusional or parental pressure) he does place great importance on the marriage.

    Unless Theresa is willing to keep pace with this ‘roller coaster ride’ of a behaviour of her husband, then she stays ‘thick or thin’ with him since he seems to be rather financially sound.

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