Hi Gilbert
I’m currently facing sleepless night… I could be drinking till I knock out but after 2 hours, I’ll be up again… waking up in the middle of the night staring at the window till the sun rises… plus I seem to be losing my appetite…. I haven’t been eating much these few days… finding it hard to accept all that is happening around me… and it’s happening so fast.
From the day I found out on the 18 Jan till now.. it’s only 9 days… but we are already planning on divorce.. I tried to patch things up with her… she said she will and not contact the guy… but I found out she’s still doing so. First thing in the morning after waking up is to message that guy good morning dear…
I really find it hard to accept that she’s taking it so easy… what about our daughter? I ask her why she still doing this.. her reason was.. She’s selfish.. she wants attention and people to pity her since her family has ignore her after they found out… she said that man is giving her support and not blaming her… and she feels good…
Gilbert..please help me check with Mr Fairuz on how I shall handle the family court on 2nd Feb plus the divorce ..because I want to handle it peacefully… but even if we agree on share custody.. She wants to be the main caretaker. But I would want to be the main caretaker instead. Let me explain why.
All this while she hasn’t been working.. She has not much past working experience. She uses to work at pub and restaurants and as a broker (only for 3 months and she MIA on the job). But before we got marriage, she has already stop working so she didn’t stop work just to take care of our daughter.
But after our daughter was born. I told her to stay home to look after daughter as I find it with her history it will be very hard for her to find a job. She owed Citibank bank and UOB bank money and I’m helping her to pay. Those debts were already there before she met me. Her bank account has been frozen for failing to pay up in the past. So she can’t have any account. Next thing is she likes to party and drink. On many occasions, she was drunk and had to be send home. And she had a drinking issue before she was pregnant. She has to drink daily if not she can’t sleep.
Plus she does have not any health insurance and she’s not working.. She is not able to pay for any medical bills without me. So I hope to be the main caretaker for our daughter when I file for divorce. I have witness to prove those lewd text messages between her and that man.
Please advise on how I shall handle this.
Thanks.
Samuel
*********
Hi Samuel
Thanks for your mail and sorry to hear about you marital predicament.
An affair is very tough for any spouse to handle and more so from a man’s perspective.
There is the damage to one’s faith and trust in the spouse.
Yet, many partners have chose to forgive the person and move on.
Of course, the guilty party must admit to the affair and not see the third party again or else its almost impossible for the marriage to function.
I would advise speaking with your wife and see how she responded.
Is she willing to admit to the affair and continue with you or she also wants to end the marriage?
Are you willing to forgive her is she admits to the affair?
All these are important questions you have to settle first before making a decision.
Divorce should be your last option – after exhausting all other avenues.
Moreover, you have a young child to consider and children thrive best when there are two parents around them.
However, the decision to divorce or stay on with the marriage lies entirely with you.
Take care and be strong.
Gilbert Goh
Editor’s Note: I have seen Samuel and he has proceeded with legal action to annul his marriage recently and will seek care custody of the child. Permission was granted to post this mail here.
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In my opinion, i will get the man out and have a face to
face talk with him. Tell him that breaking up one’s
family is the worst sin and remind him that “what goes
around comes around”..! I believe when there is no 3rd
party interference in a marriage, the couple will usually
stay together for a long time and the longer they stay
together the more loving they become. Try it out Sam..,
and good luck to an amicable solution.
In my opinion, get divorced with this slut. She doesn’t sound very useful. Even if she continues to stay with you, she will be more of a burden to you financially and she can’t set a good example for your child. She will grow up and emulate her mother. drink, flirt and ly around with men.
Thanks, Glibert, for your kind help to this person who is in need. Much appreciated.
Hi Samuel,
I’m in this position before and sink into deep depression but made it.
I had full custody for my son and now things are good.
My view is this; if this woman does not take care of her kid, does not work and like to party, owes money (for who?) it’s not worth your love and she’s not fit to be a mother. If you carry on, all of you including your kid will suffer in the LONG TERM. What if there is a 2nd time? Does she really repent?
You should seek a lawyer for advise. Get evidence of her affairs that can be presented in court. One option is to pay her a lump sum and enforce a signature with lawyer’s letter for full custody. Your daughter age matters.
Secure your house first. Not sure your situation but if she contributes CPF (even lesser than you), the house need to be sold and 50% 50%. Even if she did not contribute, you may need to end up paying up to 30% to her.
It does not mean having a mum and dad and it’s all happy ending. Yes having a mum is very important but if this woman is useless and bad you better be careful. You can be eaten alive slowly.
MOST IMPORTANT of all, do not give up hope. Not hope for a happy marriage but hope for you and your daughter in the coming years. Things will be back to normal i ASSURE you.
Make sure this does not affect your work too much and worse jobless. Then this is really bad.
You can write to me via my email i can give you my advise. If you think your situation is bad, you’ve seen nothing yet. God bless you and daughter.
My deepest empathy for the author. Although I am not married and not in a relationship either, I’m always stunned and upset to read of extramarital affairs, esp when it involves women committing the deplorable act of spousal betrayal.
What is the world coming to? Men having extramarital affairs is bad enough, but women doing the same? Still the law is generous to “women” like them in the event of divorces. I will never accept this utterly flawed logic, if I can call it logic.