Dear Gilbert,

I saw your email addresses on steadymarriages.com and I decided to email right away because I’m having a very difficult time coping with the fact that my husband left me 2 weeks ago,

He told me in person that he will be filing divorce papers and has no intention to reconcile our marriage. I feel truly devastated, alone and hurt. I also feel like we didn’t try everything to save the marriage, such as counseling or better communication methods. My husband  says its too late for that now because “he’s over it, moving on and emotionally checked out”.

My husband  was married once before to someone he had been in a 5 year relationship with and then they were married briefly and divorced because as he put it, they “just weren’t meant to be”.

I have never been married, but I am the only child of divorced parents. We do not have any children, but we do have an apartment, two cats and what feels like a lifetime of memories. Since we got married, I have to admit that its been a bit of a struggle because his immediate family lives here in the same town as us and to me, became very intrusive, especially his mother, who likes to baby her children.

My family lives out of state. He also had a tendency to defend his family if they insulted me, which they did on many occasions, instead of taking my side. He always put family ahead of his commitments with me.

As a result, I would lash out and we would argue viciously (no physical altercations, just emotional abuse on both sides). I would call him and his family names and used foul language because I was so mad and he would do the same to me. We always made up shortly after and at times, we would both get moody and gave each other the silent/few words as possible treatment. He said from time to time “I cant take this anymore.” And I would say the same, but I never clued in that he would walk  up and leave.

Two weeks ago, after another argument about him leaving me alone for the 5th night in a row to go hang out with his family, he came back to our apartment, packed his closet and toiletries and told me he was leaving to go stay with his parents because “he had it”.

He left me my car, which he had filled with gas and some cash on the counter for the week. I assumed it would blow over in a day and that he would be back since we had many blowouts before. I realized after speaking with him the next afternoon that he wasn’t kidding, that he really was considering not coming back to our marriage.

I felt like somebody had punched me in the stomach. I immediately started having panic attacks and started crying and begging for him to come back. He said he needed time and space and he wanted to be left alone. I saw him two days after he left when I dropped off some things of his that were in my car to his work and I saw that he had already taken off his wedding ring.

He said he did this because “he was pissed off”. Fast forward to last week and he texted me that he’s trying to be nice about it but I need to move on because he already has. Once again, I felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare and I couldn’t wake up.

I actually went to meet him shortly after so he could tell me that he wanted a divorce to my face.

I just needed to know for sure. He was subdued and void of all emotion when I saw him. He actually said that yes, he did intend to file divorce papers at the courthouse on his next day off. I felt like my world crumbled right then and there.

Since then, life  has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. When I saw him, he doesn’t appear to be upset in the slightest nor does he seem to care. He just replied “Please get through this, it will be ok. You need to move on.” He really has checked out emotionally.

Unfortunately, we just renewed a year lease on our apartment last month and we can either break it or one of us can be released by signing papers at the leasing office. He doesn’t want to go the route of breaking the lease since we would have to pay a huge fee. It seems like he wants me to be out of sight, out of mind before he has any second thoughts.

He suggested the first week after it happened that I move back to my hometown ASAP because there was no point of me being here if all my family and friends are up there. He also tried to pull a fast one and told a co-worker that he could move in to our apartment in a short amount of time so I could move out and find my own place and thus, the lease didn’t have to be broken and I could be signed off the lease without penalty. And thirdly, he suggested to me this past weekend that I go out and date and find a new man!

Its like I’m talking to a shell  when I do talk to him. He’s physically there but emotionally, he’s gone and he says he’s gone for good. I am doing my best to leave him alone because he gets irritated if I get upset about anything. He says he wants everything all over and done with so we can both move so after December or January, “I need to find my own place because he doesn’t want to share a place with someone he’s not with”.

When I am in the apartment, I feel tortured by the pictures and decor on the walls of our wedding, engagement and other memories we’ve shared. At night, I’ve been staying with a mutual friend (who is not taking sides but thinks he is just giving up on his marriage) of ours, who says I can stay there till December 1st, when I’ll most likely have a better plan of where this is heading.

We have agreed that I can keep the cats and I will continue to care for them morning and after work at our apartment since our friend has allergies and I can’t bring them to her place. I feel as though I am in limbo right now because he insists that I move on and separate totally from him,

However, when I ask him when he’s filing papers and when are we going to the leasing office and sitting down to divide our possessions, he gets irritated and says he has no time because of a busy work schedule and no money to file the papers. He got angry with me last week and called me up yelling because I said I was uncomfortable that he wanted to move a co-worker in when I technically lived there even though I wasn’t sleeping there.

I told him I felt forced out in a short amount of time, when I was already beyond upset about this whole thing. He told me that I was being selfish by wanting to keep him roped in to something he didn’t want and he thought for a second earlier of giving me a second chance but it all disappeared quick because he was pissed off with me.

Now he has calmed down considerably and the co-worker won’t be moving in anytime soon but tries his best to avoid me. He says I should just sell all the jewelry he has ever given me, including my wedding band and engagement ring for some money.

He says there’s just no way we would ever get back together and that all the feelings he once had for me have disappeared (within 2 weeks?!) and that I shouldn’t bother fighting it because there is nothing left to fight for. He also refuses to go to counseling or Christian counseling.

I am currently seeing a psychologist weekly and I have been prescribed an anti-anxiety medication by my primary care doctor for panic attacks. The pain is still there because I feel as though he has given up without even trying to fix our marriage with me. He seems to be doing just fine and has no problem being in our apartment, alone, surrounded by a wall of memories. He told me yesterday that he was waiting on me to find a new apartment so he could “take all this stuff down”. I haven’t had the heart to do it.

When I asked him why he wouldn’t even see a Christian counselor with me because we could fix this, he said that our relationship had become so destructive that he just didn’t want to do it anymore. However, I am still in limbo because he hasn’t done anything officially (ie. filed papers, taken names off the lease and bills we share, etc).

I have been praying daily for his heart to be softened and to see that we can fix the mess we made. He seems to think this is mostly my fault because of my bad temper. However, I am seeking help for it/coping with a very likely divorce from my psychologist.

I thought maybe giving him more time would change his mind but I don’t even know anymore what the outcome will be. Basically, he wants to move forward with the divorce but doesn’t know what it actually entails, seeing as how the first time around for him went quick: his ex filed the papers, took almost all their possessions and moved immediately to a different part of the state.

I am hoping for a miracle, but it doesn’t look too good. My family doesn’t think that its right that since my name is still on the lease and that I am paying half the bills, that I should have to sleep at a friend’s. I just feel tortured sleeping there and knowing he doesn’t want to be with me and says it so coldly.

Something inside me, though, makes me feel like he’s still on the fence because he hasn’t made any moves, besides not wanting to be around me. I don’t want to go through with this divorce. I believe our problems can be solved through counseling and better communication.

I feel lost and alone and like I’m still in this limbo, despite the fact that he told me that our marriage was destructive and there will be a divorce. It’s like he would rather look back on all the fighting and bad times, then move forward and work towards the good.

I hope we will come through this but I’m not so sure. I feel so sad and angry with myself for taking him for granted and being a nag.

Any feedback or comments or anything would be greatly appreciated to help me through these trying times,

Thank you for your time,

Molly

PS: Molly lives in the US.

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Dear Molly,

Thanks for your mail and sorry to hear about your marital predicament.

Marriage takes two to work and unfortunately when one decides not to do so, the marriage may have  to stop. Its sad but an inevitable part of any relationship.

No two persons treat a relationship alike and that’s probably the saddest part as one may put in a lot of effort whereas the other does not.

However, after reading through your mail, its possible to let him cool down first and see what happens next.

Show your sincerity by not giving up. I am not saying that the marriage may be restored  but since he hasn’t file the papers yet, there is still a possibility.

There are probably issues that both of you need to sort it out especially the parents’ part if ever the marriage is restored.

Its good that both of you also sit down to iron things out properly after he has cool down rather than the usual screaming and shouting match happens in most couples’ conflicts.

As this is his second marriage, there will be more impetus on his part not to give up so easily. His ego and motivation are all on the line if he checks out too hastily here.

Give him some time to cool off first and don’t bug him during this period of reflection and decision making.

Conflict resolution is one of the most crucial element for the success of one’s marriage as most marriages go through conflicts inevitably and the ones that are successful in sorting things out properly tend to keep their relationship going.

Do also take some time to reflect on yourself. Did you contribute to the failure of the marriage?

Are there things that you can do better? Nevertheless, don’t over-blame yourself too much as it may result in alot of self condemnation.

When a marriage fails, it often takes two and loading on alot of guilt upon yourself does  not help in recovery.

Moreover, I can imagine the torture that goes through your mind having to look at those wedding photos of yours hanging on the wall.

I am glad that you are staying with a friend during this interim period and seeing a psychologist. Seeking help is probably one of the wisest thing to do during this fragile period of yours.

My only comforting thought  is that you don’t have kids now. The equation is that it will be many times worse off if you face this period with children by your side.

Do hope for the best but prepared for the worse. Stay in touch with me k?

Take care and be strong. We are here for you.

All this shall pass.

Sincerely,

Gilbert Goh