I am also separated since my son is 14 months old. I married a kiwi hence my son is a kiwi and because of that, my case is so much more complicated. For a start, my ex-husband who walked out saying “I have enough” will not even allow my son and I to go back home to get family support on the basis that he wants to see his son once a week. Because of that, I am alone in NZ with my son with no family which can be extremely tough during winter when we are likely to succumb to illness. I was down with pneumonia last winter but because I still wanted to care for my son, I refused to be hospitalised and thankfully recovered in due course.
My situation is slightly different cause I was already in NZ prior to meeting my husband. I had gained residency and even purchased my own little house. As such, it is debatable that I had always wanted to be in NZ and is being malicious towards my ex husband by wanting to go home. But the truth is, life has changed for me. When I went to NZ, I went there for work, as a career woman. Now I am a mother and realised that being a mother, i missed my family and their support and doing it alone is so tough.
1) He wanted to get married in Fiji but his mum said that it’ll break her heart so we didn’t
2) After we have chosen our home curtains, she says she didnt like it, he cancelled our order and re-choose to something she liked
3) When I bake a cake and modify the recipe, his mum said that it will taste terrible (without giving it a try) and he agrees and wont eat it.
I tolerated his so called ‘filialness’ but when it came to our son, I stood up for it. I mean she fed him water at 1 months old even though we were told NOT to and I was also solely breastfeeding but she insisted that she did that with her kids 40 yrs ago so she is right. In the end, whenever his mother and I gets into a disagreement, he walks off from me for a few days. This time, he just walked off for good and went back to stay with his mum. Now his mum is asking him to get his house back, and me back into my own house.
So what I am saying is, he is such a robot that if I go to court with him, he will win because he is trained to say and do the right thing in public.
As for whether he cheated on me, I couldnt get any evidence. All I could find was a receipt where he purchased a skirt but it wasnt for me. I did ask him and he said it’s for his mum. Another sign that he might have cheated was when I try to patch things up and invite him to the mall or meals outside, he always says no.
My friends did suggest saying that he emotionally and psychologically abused me but I am too chicken to try that step.
Sometimes i just wonder is it because of the colour of my skin that his mum treated me this way.
It needs a lot of strength to ‘make’ the party that walked out ‘right’. In my case, no matter how many times I asked him to just give this relationship a try for our son, he refuses and of course the root of our problem besides cultural difference is the typical mother in law problem. I will not dwell into my problems.
Regarding the psychology of a divorced child, I seek help when he walked out and was told that it really doesnt matter whether a toddler (note:toddler) grows up with one parent or two parent as long as there is one parent that is constantly there and the primary giver. Yes, my son will seek for a man companionship when he is older but for now, I was told that if I can be there for him until he is 3, he will have a good solid foundation. As such, I quit my job and become his full time carer. The doc/psychologist had a point – a child could have 2 parents but if both parents are constantly working, it makes no difference with a child that only have 1 parent but the parent is always around. How true is this, I do not know but I just have to trust that my sacrifice now will reap rewards and my son grows up to be a good man.
Keep up your good work. If only I am in Sg, I could contribute more but I am basically ‘stuck’ in ‘jail’ in NZ since there is nothing more important to me than my son so I will not leave NZ and risk losing my son. Maybe my case should be an example to sarong party girls (please edit if you want to repost as I do not want to offend anyone). Do not think that marrying a foreigner is great achievement. And if there is a child involved, you might find yourself stuck in a corner if you love your child.
P/S: Oh, regarding the custody to mothers, I think it is because majority of mothers are more inclined to care and give it up for the child. I was once an engineer but since becoming a mother, life took a turn for me. Those money, ambition is replaced with this little bundle of joy. When I passed by any projects that I have contributed to, I do not feel pride or happiness although then these projects are supposed to be my ‘baby’ but whenever I see my son (my real baby!), I feel happiness and pride and no longer have that void that I had as a career woman.