Dad killed himself due to prolonged unemployment

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My dad, S, killed himself on March 16, 2009 because he ran out of money and could not find work. My whole family had been devastated by the economy. He was 61 years old and could not take it anymore. He could not figure out how to keep the electric on, buy food, or keep a roof over his head. A day before his electric was to be shut off, and 2 weeks away from eviction, my dad took the hardest walk of his life. He left a note on the dining room table for my sister and I. His suicide letter said “I love you. I had to do this. I ran out of money. I wish you both luck in your lives”. He left the door unlocked with the door key left in the lock. He carefully laid out two suits for us to pick from to bury him in.

I almost caught my dad in time, maybe another 10 minutes and I could have saved him Senator. Dad walked 2 blocks down to the Belmont Memorial Pier in Long Beach at 10:15 am, and walked into the men’s restroom midway down the pier. He took a glock hand gun and shot himself in the head. We called the police when we found the suicide notes.

I cannot explain to another human being the depth of pain I feel inside. I will never forget the image of police and coroner’s cars in front of my dad’s condo. I will never forget the looks on the officer’s faces when I walked in. I will never forget hearing the words “they found your dad’s body”. I could not believe what they told. I made the coroner show me his face.

They argued and warned that I shouldn’t see this. But I had to, it was my dad, I wanted to understand what was going on. After shifting through many frames cautious so I wouldn’t see the death scene photos she found one with just his face showing, his head was wrapped in a towel. He looked sad and old and asleep.

I will never forget the spectator I crossed paths with as he walking out of the restroom laughing because there was not enough of my dad on the restroom wall to entertain him. I will live with horror of this in my head forever. The beach and piers are a really bad place to me now. I avoid the pain they remind me of. I remember looking in my dad’s refrigerator to see how much food he had left.

I was desperate to understand what happened at 10:00 am that led us into this horror. There wasn’t much food there. The lights were going off soon, the heat and so on. He must have been terrified. How do you take your last walk knowing you will never touch earth again? How do you walk in that restroom door knowing you will never see daylight or the ocean or your family?

I have a million questions Senator. Did he pray? Was he feeling alone and hurt? I will never know the answer to any of these. All I know is that dad left a note in his pant pocket with my phone number for the police to call me when they found him. I know that I will feel really lousy every March 16th and every Father’s Day. On top of this my family could not afford to bury dad. Thank God distant family helped us do what we could not here. Most of congress will never have to figure out how to bury their loved one after a suicide because they have no money.

Read the rest of the letter here

NB: If you harbour suicidal thoughts because of your prolonged unemployment, email me at gilbert@transitioning.org. We have a team of career coaches and counsellors who can support you during this tough journey of yours. Don’t suffer alone – seek help.