I came across your website and have decided to email. I find it hard reading your articles as it just causes too much pain and I am totally lost about what I can do now and I constantly cry and battle suicidal thoughts.
I am from France (location changed) and was married to my wife for many years. We separated last year while living in Australia after I met a Chinese girl in a bar during a transit business trip to Singapore, had an affair with her and confessed it all to my wife. I just could not cope staying and needed to get away for a fresh start but the trouble was I was never able to forget my wife’s own affair, went to counseling and ended up on antidepressants to this day. I always loved my wife and still do to this day but she has moved on and is now with another man. After she left Sydney, I continued to see the Chinese girl until I eventually returned to France with my company in March.
That turned out to be a total disaster and I ended up having a nervous break down and was off work for 3 months. My company offered me a chance to return and work in Singapore for a trial period to allow me to get some space. I have been here for a short while now and just feel I am going in an ever downward spiral of despair and hopelessness.I have a great job and good salary and my company looks after me very well and have supported me but time is running out and I know that. I just can’t seem to accept that I have caused the break up of what in general was a good marriage and looking back now a great life for all we had a few issues. Sometimes, I think about the life I should be living had I never told my wife anything and just let this Chinese girl go.
I have lost my home, my wife, my cats, all my savings and everything we built up together over 20 years and all for nothing I just feel totally worthless, just cry most of the time and want to die. I have no friend down here and feel so alone and keep wanting to run back to France but I know doing that I have nothing there – no home nothing. I am only 38 and know I have a long life in front of me but just can’t face the thought of going on in my life without my wife but I know there is no way she will ever have me back and won’t even talk to me anymore.
I don’t really even know why I am writing this email so someone I don’t even know but what else can I do, I don’t want to feel like this but its been months now and I just can’t stop the pain and just want it to end.
Steven (not his real name)
Hi Steven ,
Thanks for your mail.
I can feel your pain while reading away.
It must be tough for you to go on living this way.
Writing actually is a good release for those pent up emotions.
I encourage you to keep a private blog whereby you can pen away whenever you feel like it.
Sometimes, in life, certain things when gone can’t be recovered.
A relationship takes two to work out and as your wife has moved on, there is frankly nothing that you can do about it.
You can stay in touch with her via email or sms and a friendship can be possible if both parties have forgiven each other and move on in life.
Learn to also forgive yourself as I can see that you are filled with regret at losing your wife through your infidelity.
Write her a letter asking her to forgive you even though the marriage is already gone. This way, you have taken a whole load of guilt off your chest.
Be prepared that she may not reply you but you have done your part and that’s important.
Prepare yourself for recovery and if possible see a counsellor so that you have someone to confide in. Suffering alone with no one to talk to is simply too painful.
How about planning to have a new hobby so that it will take your mind off those pressing issues? Exercise also helps alot in providing you with a positive well being.
Join a club if possible to get to know new friends. Focus on initiating new friendships rather than cultivating a romantic relationship.
If you are still in Singapore , I can arrange for a voluntary counsellor to speak with you. All our services are free of charge.
Lastly, I seek your permission to post this mail on my site. I will leave out your name to protect your identity.
Take care and let me know whether you need our counselling service.
Never give up – there’s still life after divorce. Do stay in touch with me.