Hi Gilbert,

Six years ago, I married my love  after dating  for about  a year.

Everything seemed smooth sailing at first as most married couples would experience. We  also had a memorable honeymoon  trip to New Zealand.

It was our so-called honeymoon period when everything was beautiful and you only live for one another. If only such honeymoon days could last forever…

However, I realized soon that our marriage was gradually influenced by someone important in my wife’s life…her dad.

He’s a fiercely stubborn man and has a strong  influence on her life.

A lot of her ideas seem to bear  some resemblance of her idol dad and you can say that she worshipped him a lot.

Nevertheless, all this was manageable as I tried to be more forebearing with her – except for one other matter.

All along, my wife  wanted a lot of financial security for the family.

I don’t blame her as our society is very much focused on accumulating wealth through the five “Cs” and we measure our success through the kind of housing we stay in and the type of car we drive. Anything less means we have not arrive yet.

I also  understand  her fear as I heard that women are pretty much hung up on having a certain level of  security in their lives. Call it their DNA if you may.

However,  I put my foot down when she wanted me to  sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of  a better paying job. That means looking for a job that I am not  really interested in and doing it just for the money.

I tried to explain to her that  even though I may be doing such work, I will find it difficult to hold on  for the long haul as there is no personal interest at all.  

She wouldn’t listen and our quarrels intensified over time.

 All I want is to live simply and have a happy family. Is this too difficult to ask?

The worse period of our marriage came about when  I was jobless for about a year.

That was also personally a very tough  time for me.  My self esteem suffered and naturally there were financial struggles too as  the family’s income was down.

During this period, my wife had to support the family all by herself. It was indeed a test of our marriage.

I tried to find a  job through the newspapers, internet, friends etc…but hit a dead end.

I realized that the relationship also worsened during this period and her insecurity deepened.

I was also frustrated that she didn’t really supported me emotionally when I was looking for a job and renewed bitterness overtook me.

 During this period, our quarrels intensified so much that she went back to her parental home twice.  She was away from her matrimonial home for a few months before she returned home after much pleading.

During the recent second runaway, she asked me for a divorce.  I was crestfallen.

All this happened while I was still  jobless and still desperately looking for a job. The stress and mental torture were unbearable  to say the least.

I didn’t agree to the divorce at first, but after a while I relented as I found that she was very firm about it.

 Now, we’re in the midst of a separation. It was also the  most bitter and  darkest moment of my life.

 I was  suicidal for a while and drowned myself in depression.

Life seems meaningless and my ego was deeply bruised.

 I’m still learning to ride through this crisis with the grace of God and my church’s help.

In retrospection, I felt that perhaps I could have been more understanding and loving towards her. She did gave me a lot of opportunities to change but I didn’t really heed those words.

There was  also the tension of not being able to conceive which also contributed quite a fair bit  to our failed marriage.

We tried to go for acupuncture, did  checkups, even thought of adopting a child…but all these didn’t help.

Though she didn’t admit that not having a baby was really bothering  her, deep down, I knew that this was one issue in our marriage that bugged her.

During  this separation period,  I thought hard about the marriage and realized that in order for any relationship to thrive, it really needs both hands to clap.

Both parties have to be truthful enough to share openly with each another.  

Mutual respect for one another, without having to change in order to please the other party,  is also important.

A better understanding of each other’s needs  will also lead to a beautiful and  blessed marriage.

Now, I just have to accept the bitter truth that my marriage is almost over – unless something miraculously happens.

I have to move on and hopefully not  make the same mistake again if given a second chance.

Regds,

Kelvin (name changed)

PS: Kelvin has found a job in the beginning of the year through a friend and is still picking up the pieces after his separation.

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