Survival Series 2: Staying Positive In Negative Territory
Written by: Gilbert Goh
BE Positive – How You think determines your approach in life
It is so important to stay positive and on top of the situation. Again, this is easier say than done. When one is jobless, negativity tends to flood the mind of the person. It is not surprising that unemployed people are often depressed and pessimistic.
As unemployment has no fixed time frame and light is often unseen in the long dark tunnel, desperation and panic will set in after a month or two of quiet relaxation at home. There is always the fear of the unknown for the unemployed – when will it end? Unfortunately, for the jobless, there is no knowing how long one will stay unemployed – it could be one month, one year or even two years. This is what I think will break the strongest camel’s back. It is like a slow tissue-eating cancerous virus that keeps nipping at one’s confidence and faith.
During a recession, it is not unwise to prepare for at least one year of unemployment in terms of financial backup and psychological health. Anyone who is unemployed for more than a year is considered long term unemployed (LTU) and trust me it is no joke staying jobless for that long a period. Nevetheless, I have heard of people staying jobless for 2-3 years and if it is not voluntary, I am sure that there will be some psychological damage on the person’s well being. For the record, I was jobless for 20 months from end 2001 right up to mid 2003. There were intermittent work in between but nothing that was stable and permanent.
During unemployment, there is also this large span of unused idle time that is often wasted on sleep, watching TV and doing nothing else. There is this sense of aimlessness and also uselessness. For the average person, idling around the house seems like a guilty sin as we are too used to finding our esteem and self worth through work. This is especially so for guys born and breed in the Asian community whereby men are brought up to be the bread winners for the household. Even though women nowadays work, man still is being look upon as the chief person that will bring in the beacon. Much is expected of the one who wears the pants in the house. It is no wonder then when guys are retrenched, they receive it badly and some take up the bottle to distress. Many also take up smoking and indulge in substance abuse as a way of escape.
I have to battle an extremely difficult situation at home when my wife could immediately found work after returning abroad in 2001. It is tough to pass the day alone at home when my wife woke up daily in the morning and go for work in her corporate suit. It made me felt lousy and useless. Much of my whatever left-over ego is crushed and esteem thrashing at rock bottom. It took me a long time to get out of the ego trap and learnt to appreciate the fact that at least one person in the household is earning an income. It would be disastrous if both of us are jobless as we still have a private apartment mortgage to pay and a young daughter to raise.
The internal struggles within me are real and this unbalanced situation at home was by far the most difficult emotional battle for me during that period. There is the fear of losing respect and control at home which is so real for the Asian family man.
However one real positive outcome of the situation was that I humbled myself a lot and learned to treat my wife as an equal partner more than ever before. Many I know have lost their families as a result of not handling such delicate family dynamics well enough. It is alright for a woman to lose her job and stay at home for a year but not so for the man. He will be branded a failure and a loser for sure. The Asian man has attached too much of their self worth in the society by virtue of their work. When one loses his job, he loses not only the income but more importantly his life goal and self. This expectation to perform well at work stresses the modern man who will also feel that the world has collapsed on him when he loses his job. We are all trapped by this vicious cycle of performance.
Coming back to my story, it was only after six months of unemployment that I began to realize that much of my struggles are internal – it is more psychological than financial. Of course, having no money to pay bills and meet mortgage repayment is pretty stressful but nothing beats the emotional turmoil that rocked inside a man’s life. Unless he manages his emotion well enough he will face an uphill task to face up to his jobless state.
I began to read a lot motivational books to gear up my adversity quotient. As I am a good reader all along, this was an easy task. I read widely but fortunately, I am more into psychological and motivational books and this was a major plus for me when I tried to get out of the depressive rut.
Right after I woke up daily, I would pore over books such as “Tuesdays With Morris” or “The Monk who rides Ferrari” to stock up those feel-good mind waves. I must have read “Tuesdays With Morris” at least five times as I found the book inspiring and meaningful. I found the chapters refreshing every time I re read them again. It was like I was learning new truths from old chapters. Sometimes, the chapters so moved me that tears would gather.
I slowly crawled out of my dark cocoon for which I have taken refuge in for the past six months. I began to repeat positive statements to myself and learn to apply cognitive behaviour theory (CBT) which I learnt from psychology books. By thinking positively and differently from my usual negative thoughts, I realized that how I think often dictates how I approach my problem. Of course, it is easier say than done and there are occasional lapses back to a period of depression. But such negative feelings never lasted more than a week as my reading habit will jolt me out of the depressed mood. This reading habit was one of the main factors that gradually helped me overcame my depression. To this day, I still read regularly without fail often focusing on motivational material. I want to fill my mind with positive words than those negative newspaper reporting
To be continued…
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Gilbert,
Thanks for sharing your experience. While I had not experience joblessness yet, I can comprehend (from a man’s perspective) how it can significantly dent the confidence he once has. It is important to stay positive during these moment. Easy say then do though. Reading motivatonal stuff surely help. I suggest hanging out with positive people will help too.
I do know of a close friend that lost his job several years back but who totally was in thankful and positive spirit throughout. He got a job within 2 months. Not mentioning he get to enjoy the retrenchment benefits for his years of service. Till this day, he continuous thank God for His grace and favour.